Something is happening inside of me.
My mind is complex is some ways, and so are my actions. Yesterday was a bad day. I ate too much and threw too much up. So much that I barely remember doing it; I was in a daze. Ever since I discovered "why" I do it, and "what I think about" while doing it. Also, what do I concentrate on? Just one thing. I don't find it so gross anymore. I am truly fucked in the head, why did I just say that? I suppose it is true..sigh.. I suppose I am a bigger mess than previously understood. I always knew I was a little quirky but has it really come to this?
I am so dehydrated. I feel it in my lips. My stomach feels burned and bloated. But practically empty.
I love Marya's phrase, "I'd rather starve than puke." I couldn't agree more. Because after I purge I am afraid to eat. I do not want solid food. I will drink something, usually.
I am procrastinating hardcore.
I have so much homework to do.
Oh. Something weird happened and I am wondering WHY and need YOUR help?!?!
**In detail; tonight I made myself throw up for about 40 minutes, and the last 10 were intense- automatically puking, barely trying, just heaving hurls. When I was *done* this crazy painful headache came about. It killed. I pulled the claw clip from my hair and held my head, while swirling sink tap water in my mouth. Why did this happen?? I have never got such a headache from purging. If you can help please do!!
MUst. STarT. HOmewOrk.
Just wanted to note that all I ate today was 2 kashi 140 cal honey flax granola bars, candy corn, iced latte (unfortunately made with 2% milk, I watched it happen in horror, but didn't say anything because I am weak like that around strangers/retail workers), 1 bag of this "party mix"/evil snack (it consisted of cheese curls, chips, pretzels, etc.) (pretty fucking nasty if you think about it), 1 veggie burger with mustard. But the chips and the burger didn't stay in. Muahah. Hopefully only consummed 1/2 or 3/4 of the calories. Even if I only puked up 20 calories I think it is so worth it.
Ugh. I'm still fat. I shouldn't even be writing this without knowing how I stand. I shall go weigh myself, brb.
could be worse.
Make people notice. I would rather be known as skinny girl than fat chick. Anybody would. Eat to Live, never Live to Eat. My goal is to lose twenty more pounds. I think 115 seems like an okay weight for my height. I am just trying to be healthy, ya know. *wink wink*
Good night, world. I am not going to sleep, I am going to do homework! Woo. /fuck my life. or at least this night. Speaking of fuck where is all the sex in my life? Oh yeah, I am resentfully abstinent : /
This is mad long, I wish I looked forward to homework like I look forward to expressing myself in this blog.