well hello

well hello

Friday, September 25, 2009

Wake & Bake.

I've been avoiding myself lately. Wearing my glasses, being more quiet than usual in class, dressing in longish skirts. I am usually casually dressed (ie. jeans, shirt, shoes). I like wearing skirts though.
Over the summer I turned into a stranger. The whole purging thing was like entering another dimension. I watched it, I literally lived it. My chest hurts in memory; a phantom pain.
I have so much to do today. This has been a very busy week and I haven't been able to blog as much as I want to. It's weird. One part of me just want to be self-centered and only blab on about the zillions of sometimes boring, sometimes interesting things going on inside my brain on this blog. Another part of me want to make it interesting for you. Anyone else feel like that?

I think I know what it is. Since college started back up I have been made very aware of linguistics. All my classes have been focusing, in some way or the other, on language, dialect, words, grammar, sentence structure, etc. It is a lot to keep in mind. And it shows here, the very place where I would love to feel free and unrestricted. Of course, one of you could know me in real like. I'll never know.

Maybe you will. Or do. I don't know how that would be possible, but life is funny that way. I have this fear that I am being watched. It is irrational. My fears shouldn't dictate my life, but they do.

The fear of getting fat, especially.

Ridiculous. Going to the bank, then class, then to my landlord's place to pay up. Then finally home, home, home! Where I can relax and get some more sleep. My nightmares this morning are replaying in my mind's eye. It's enough to make me hurl. Or jump off a roof.

Think thin.

No food yet, I need to fast. This eating garbage is a pain in my fucking ASS. Wish I didn't need food. Oh wait I don't ...

1 comment:

Flushed said...

I feel that way about my blog too. I flip back and forth...lately, I'm finding it's easier to just write (type) without regard to what people may think of it. It's just easier and I, me, I feel better. I stress to much and my blog is suppose to be my no pressure zone (like you say). When I'm just me and I blog every comment I get I'm utterly surprised and thrilled that people actually want to read about me. It feels more personal. Not, me trying to perform because then it feels like people don't like me when they don't comment. Does that even make any sense?

And yes, knowing somebody...I use to be more afraid and now I feel like it you found me...YOU CLICKED HERE so then we probably have an ED in common and have a somewhat balls-out blog on the net too!

Sorry for the book. Hope you don't mind (I know I don't...but I'm not everybody, y'know?)

Stay strong!
XO