well hello

well hello

Friday, September 18, 2009

Carbs and self-hatred before noon.


Woke up at 7:15 to shower, study, and prepare myself for the day. Woke up feeling kinda skinny. Woke up exhausted though. I failed. I failed at life.
I lounged on the couch for too long, then around 8 got in the shower, stayed in there too long, and then decided to smoke. /my downfall is this.
I sat on the toilet for like 20 minutes, staring into space, hoping (sorry) for a bm. Felt like it should happen, but it didn't. I realized that time was wasting so I got up, frustrated, and got dressed. Left on my glasses, didn't brush my hair. Felt stoned off my ass but ready to go have fun and take this test, even if I didn't do so hot.
However, I missed the bus. Should have just walked, but I was running soo late, the bus I missed was one that would get me to campus right before class, with no time to spare. Walking to campus takes about 20 minutes. I said fuck it, and walked to my car.
Driving along, high, only a few minutes to get there and find a spot to park. All of a sudden I made a left turn and just came home. I walked upstairs, and started eating. At least 6 slices of pumperknickel bread, some with peanut butter and jelly. Almost an entire box of Kashi crackers (I started them last night) with laughing cow cheese as "dip" for the crackers. 3 biscotti. 100 cal bag of popcorn. apple. cut up fruit. UGH I feel stuffed and disgusting and honestly I really just hate myself.

Wtf am I going to do about this test? I just missed it! Didn't even BOTHER going, or studying. I hate life. I am having suicidal thoughts (but I won't do it).. I need help. I need to get away. I don't know what the hell I am doing in college, in life!

Now, it is almost noon. That was like a two-hour long binge. And still no bm. Ha, why would there be? That would actually make me feel better! My life is a joke. This day sucks. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I have one more class today, am I going? Haven't decided. I guess I am going to go lay down for a bit, and see if I can wake up later for class (in two hours actually, fuck). But if I can walk to campus I won't feel as bad about this awful morning carb fest.

Wish me luck : /

ps. flushed & stick thin...thank you for your kind comments yesterday <3


Didn't go to class. Slept for 3 hours. Just woke. I can ruin a day so easily. What now?

1 comment:

Stick Thin said...

fiber and water might help with the bm.

feel better :(