well hello

well hello

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I saw a psychic today. Ha. $20 down the drain, I should be smacked. She was interesting; she had intense eyes and rapid neck movements and blinked a lot. I sat there, hunched, neck crooked, nervous, obvious...I am sure she could pick up on my uneasiness without power or struggle.

Just wanted to note that, I guess. It was a weird experience that I just sort of fell into. I am happy I went though. I just wish I had some sort of truth to believe in. To really believe..a safeguard? I can't think. She mentioned God a few times, maybe it's time for me to check out some churches. I feel like a poser. I want to believe that I am here for a reason, I need to. If I don't then I don't see a point in living.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to need people. I want to pick and choose when I let someone in. That is fine for now...but the future? Marriage? The idea seems foreign and unrealistic. The day I meet a man that can tolerate/keep up with me is the day I consider commitment. For now I commit to me.

For now I take things one day at a time, one minute, one second...and I appreciate the present, because I am scared of the day it all stops. The day that fades away; my dreams, where time slows, music and voices fade, I fall backward, preparing myself to die. I am not ready for this day.

I am not ready for any day, I just walk through them. I just somehow barely keep going. What I need to find is my guiding light, my inner energy for seeking out life's pleasures.

Goal #1 : Find something I like to do that brings me peace *other than smoking pot*.
Goal #2 : Focus on this ^^^

Once I can focus on something other than my impending doom, I think I will be stronger and happier.
My mind will be off food. How inspiring..

No I have not heard from R. - I fucking wish though. I dream about him. I am not as creepy as I probably sound. I really do keep to myself. But I do think he knows I am into him. I think he likes it. I think he doesn't know what to do about it. That is okay with me, liking him from afar is "safe" -- according to the psychic. I can deal with this for now.
- I sure hope he calls/texts/shows up at my work .. haha.. it's fun like a game..

Peace peepz...time for work..fun.

Oh yeah, think thin !!!
*I sure will be, at work I move around as much as possible! Burning those calories!!*


Flushed said...

Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Whether it's true or not is irrelevant, it's a comforting thought.


Stick Thin said...

When you do find someone..it will be amazing. And yes. Take things one day at a time.

I know what its like to only find peace in the pipe. I'm struggling with it right now. Its my only comfort