Depression fucking hurts. Like the commercials imply/hypnotize me into believing..must be going crazy tonight, every night, every day. Where can I throw it all away? I skipped all classes today. I don't care but I do care. I am fucking stupid for not going to my last class..I had to turn in something, and I justified not going by saying, "I'll email her" (my prof) to myself..I didn't convince myself. I didn't email her. I ignored the situation, which is easier and more comfortable for me. Selfish slob...I went to natural foods store and bought raw granola, almond breeze "milk", lara bar, and organic apples. I saw R. in the street. I could just die. Why do I like him? Why do I want him? He has a girlfriend!!!!! I am soo DISGUSTED with myself. I seriously am obsessed with this dude, it comes and goes. Some days I forget about him, like today, then I see him, then he TEXTS me, an hour later I text him back and still no fucking response. TheSe gAmEs will kill me!
I am pissed right now. I am pressing so hard on these keys that I might just break the whole thing. My friends are ignoring me, not including me in plans, not calling me, making plans with each other (I introduced them)...I am unlikable. I am unlovable. Wow my Dad doesn't even call me, or my brothers. Or my sister for that matter all though she occasionally facebooks me..I called my bro but it wasn't a good time so he'll call me tomorrow. My family has a hard time talking to me. No one likes me, not even me.
Can I just disappear? Can I just die? No - no I don't want to die yet...but can I just go away for awhile? I am so damn lonely I hate it. I like it because it gives me an excuse to be sad.
Friday's food: 2 apples, larabar, granola and almond breeze (like 3 or 4 servings..gag). iced soy latte. I feel like a behemoth. That is a lot of calories today, I don't even want to bother counting it. So fuck it. At least it was all organic. except for the latte.