My eyes my eyes.
I have nothing to say but I feel like I should write. I took a pen and drew a circle around my wrist, like an ana bracelet. Except blue and very thin. It is fading but after I shower I will redraw it. It is a focus, a way of forgetting about stupid food.
So far I have had 673 calories today.
That means nothing to me. Calories are not the problem. I judge myself by how I look. I look fat still. Last night T. stayed over, we did it then went to sleep. Naked. I couldn't stop feeling for bones. My hip bones felt great! I ran my hands all over his body, feeling for his bones too. He is thin, I would say. Really sexy and thinspirational for sure. Yeah so we got freaky. I am usually extremely self-conscious while nude but with T. all I can focus on is making him feel good...and I forget I even have a body. No, that's not true...I think about how he is pleasuring me. And may I just say he is quite amazing in bed!
I freaked out a little last night, it was bad. Before all that ^ .. something happened: I grew noticably quieter and stiffer, I wouldn't look at T. I just felt extremely paranoid about the situation, which was us and his friends drinking and smoking. This dude J. mentioned to T. something like, "blah that chick, the redhead?" with a goofy ass smile. And I grew irrepairably jealous. I did not even mention it to him. I just made up some lame shit (when he asked me what was up) about being lonely on Christmas and how I wished we could be together on New Years. Ding ding is the bell I ring for I am a stupid girl.
After consuming large quantities of liquor I started getting all teary on our walk out of the bar b/c earlier I had asked him if he wanted to stay together and he was all for it. But once my little "episode" started I began to have second thoughts.
So anyways we are walking and he kept asking whether or not I wanted him to come home with me or not, and I kept not answering, or saying I wasn't sure. He basically just walked me to my apartment, up the stairs, into the door, onto the couch; I lost it. I have shattered my pride, I have admitted too many faults to him. No, I mentioned nothing about this obsession with food and losing. I just kinda changed the subject to me doing terrible in school, I'm a failure, blah blah. Looking back I am now wondering if I was putting on a show.
I am fucking manipulative.
Getting back to last night, this is kinda hot, but we went from laying on the couch (he was holding me) and talking/me freaking out to us going upstairs, getting naked super fast, and having passionate sex. It was hot, I'm really not holding back, sorry if this is too much information...but you know you like it : )
Wow, guess I needed to get that out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep then had to get up and drive T. home and go to work. I am beat. I have an entire paper to write tomorrow that I am turning in late, monday. Slacker...gawd. Yet tonight I plan to be with T. again.
Tell me, am I obsessed?
I am unfocused and uncomfortable, high and tired, excited and sick.
I am done with this eating shizz. Fuck food. I would rather be skinny and have electrifying bedroom behavior than eat and be pudgy and shy.
Oh, the self-loathing. It comes and it comes. Just now I typed "bitch" than backspaced. I was calling myself a bitch because my self is no angel and certainly not smart.
Gotta shower. I need to relax.
Think thin. Always.