Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Eating on Autopilot to Fill the Hole Where My Heart Should Be.
I binged uncontrollably today. Let me recap:
Woke up in T.'s arms : ) but he was leaving! : (
He dropped me off at home early, around 9 am. I was hungry & slightly hungover, bad combo. I decided to get some fast food breakfast. BIG mistake. I went to Dunkin' Donuts & ordered an egg/cheese on english muffin (320 cal) & some hashbrowns. I brought my ipod with me to calculate the calories and they were enormous! 200 for the hashbrowns...fuck. They were greasy and tasty...a dangerous mix.
So anyways, I scarfed down my breakfast and was thinking of getting more food before I was even finished eating it. I couldn't decide. I wanted a bagel so bad. But I just couldn't...I couldn't eat that white bread & cream cheese however much I desired it. I couldn't justify it in my head. Here is where I don't make any sense. I wouldn't eat a freakin' bagel, but I WOULD drive across the street to Taco Bell and order a fresco bean burrito (330)?? That's what I did, and it took forever, and I thought about just throwing it out by the time it was given to me. But NO. I was a machine. I tore off half the burrito and left a bite or two, but that barely cancels out the calories. I felt full, but not full enough. THANK THE GOOD LORD I lit up a cig & drove home, for sleep.
So T. is gone and I had the day to do whatever and of course after I woke from my nap I decided to go shopping! Oh joy. I had a gift card (for a local grocery store). Coulda used it on beer or something, but NO I decided to indulge my eating disorder and buy some food ::sigh::
I'll just break it down...veggie chips & sour cream dip, sugar free york chocolates, veggie burger with tomato & mustard, cauliflower & cheese frozen thingie, rice cakes & gummy candies.
Yes I ate all of that today/tonight. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I am glad now that I did. Seeing all of that right in front of me is making me sick to my fucking stomach. I am a pig. I am bloated so much right now, my stomach literally hurts. What is wrong here? Who does such things? Where is the button in my brain that STOPS me from eating so much? or so fast? I feel like such a failure. I woke up today feeling thin, T. left. I am depressed when I am not around him. So I eat. I still have no clue what is going on this week/new years with us. My life is so fucked up right now.
I hope he calls tonight like he said he would.
I am leaning on him far too much.
I need help.
Just helped myself to some thinspo. Gorgeous bodies! I think it totally helps to look, I am about to start a thinspo notebook..I have tons of magazines..should be easy to rip out pages of thin models/celebrities. Think thin!