Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sadness on the Eve.
My life is void. My life is no more. I have thought more suicidal thoughts in the past weeks than ever before. It is not that I want to feel pain it is just that I deserve only pain. I am a bad person. No, it's more complicated than that. I am unspeakably depressed and have no yearn for life, no need to make myself livelier, no need to do laundry, or dishes, or the simple things. My life and I are falling apart.
Today is New Years Eve. Last night of the year. Am I seeing T.? No. No I am not. God. What the fuck are you doing to me.
I need to get the hell out of here, I need something. I am about to smoke and go wander aimlessly around town or maybe a clothing store. I have plans for tonight, but Mia is calling me. "Sar, stay in. Drink booze and eat ice cream. Wallow in self-pity until it turns into self-loathing and the hate overcomes sanity and you puke your guts out as the clock strikes twelve". She is tempting me. I am weak. I am pathetic. I am not good enough. I am not worth it. I am not worth T.'s time. He didn't say that, but actions speak louder than words. He "likes me" but has "so much going on". And he does, really. Teaching stuff, jury duty, family shyt, broken car...etc. BUT STILL.
We (T. & I) have been bickering nonstop. We can't seem to stay on the same page. I am crazy about him and it's making me crazy. I have now hung out with T.'s friend 3 times. We just smoked, but this guy is cute, older, has it (seemingly) together...and we make more sense astrologically. But I am doing it to make T. jealous. And I know how immature that sounds. But it may be working. Idk. I am the jealous one. I am jealous of the unknown. I am constantly envisioning T.'s charismatic self, flirting with nameless, faceless girls. I make myself sick.
Eating has been terrible lately. Late night binges like WHOA. I have been keeping track of course, with Lose it, but I have stopped losing weight. So maybe I am maintaining, but maybe I am not. I don't have a trustworthy scale to find out.
I just lit some incense and packed a bowl. I still have no clue what I want to do with myself tonight. If I am honest I know that I do not want to drive an hour to the city, look for parking, call a cab, wait for a cab, show up at the bar alone and then search for my 2 friends. Acquaintances, really. We barely talk anymore. I just needed plans for the night. I am so indecisive right now. I hate the holidays. Can I just push fast-forward?
Speaking of, T. said we should "press pause" -on us, I guess. It SuCkS, have I mentioned that? I started to fall for him. But this time apart has been KILLER. I can either talk myself out of liking him - his absence makes this easier, OR, I can be Ms. Mature & Patient, wait kindly for this man to make up his mind, be charming and hope for the best outcome.
I think both options suck! But that is me! I always hate my immediate options, and always wish to control EVERYTHING. Why do I do this? When did I become such a control freak? Maybe I have been this way all my life.
Ya know what?
1.Time will pass, either way.
2.Life will continue until it stops.
3.Feelings can't be shut off like a light switch.
I can't stop thinking about him.
I need to think about ME. & What is Best for Me (& My state of Mind).
-A few minutes later..
Wanna know something gross? I am sitting on a chair, wearing shorts & a cami & a robe open over top. I can squeeze my stomach fat. Isn't that nasty? Wtf?
That is two solid inches of fat fucking stomach fat, connected to this body of mine. It needs to be gone, NOW!!!
& yet (in my most sarcastic voice) what work will I do to make it disappear? I usually just sit around like a queen and try to make commands with my stern voice. I usually just try to rearrange my (and who am I kidding, other's lives as well) life so it fits neatly inside my head bubble/LaLa Land/deranged brain. I am just oh-so motivated to make things happen by my own accord, my own freewill.
If only I could-
I don't give a fuck what I do. I live dangerously and I live the only way I know how. Sure I'm self-destructive. Isn't everyone? I am on a speeding roller coaster and not belted in and I'm about to go flying out, only to land with a crash on my dead-beat ass.
Just think thin, ok? Enough of this bullshit eating too much.
It's about to be 2010 !
I will lose 20 pounds this year, to celebrate : )
Happy New Year all.
If I stay in I'm bound to post again, so take care.
Stick Thin: Keep writing chick! Miss you & hope things are well!!