Oh it's been bad.
I have been religiously entering every calorie into my I-touch app, "Lose it". It is and it isn't helping. It has helped by making me more aware of how food adds up. I am scared to fucking death of getting to 2000/cal a day (I am allowed 1,061). It seems like every day I go over, but not by much, and there is a bright red bar that shows my naughty progress. I can't describe it, just get it! I want to lose weight, oh my god, I need to. I will keep up with this!!! If I lost two pounds a week I could be on my way to /a c t u a l l y/ achieving something.
It is hard though. Today my parents came and of course the first thing they wanted to do was get lunch. The very first thing! So we went and got chinese food, and now I am freaking out. I ate mixed vegetables (mostly broccoli & all cooked in some greasy sauce), mushrooms in "brown sauce", small amounts of lo mein & fried rice, a piece of fried eggplant, half a sugar cookie, 2 cling peach slices, 2 pieces of cut up melon, umm....that's it. And that is a shitload. I am sickened MOSTLY because i am a vegetarian!!!! Hello Sar!?!? I knew NONE of the ingredients. I am sure now that I ingested beef or chicken juice or whatever the fuck they cook it with. A salad wasn't even an OPTION there, I am fucking disgusted. I should have known better, what kills me is that I had the choice! I could have picked somewhere else to go! But I was exhausted and NOT HUNGRY IN THE SLIGHTEST when they got here, and so what happens? I let them choose.
The crack-like smells and colors wafting from the damn buffets called to me, they tugged at my shirt and whispered shyly in my ear, "eat me". So I did. To please my parents.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't binge Friday night. I went to McDonalds at two in the morning for a order of french fries (small, thankfully). Omfg. So salty, and yet, not satisfying. I (like a real winner) drove to the only other fast food place in this town to still be open, Tim Hortons. I got an egg salad wrap and a boston creme donut. I ate them. They were both bland, tasteless, not worth it, etc. I didn't purge. I went to sleep. (And then woke up to a buffet)...fml.
Sorry for all the caps locks I am just incredibly frustrated with myself. I got my period a week early; I have been acting grumpy and isolating myself from everyone, including T.
I hate myself for making T think that I am nutso. I am doing it on purpose, it scares me because it is also slightly automatic. I tried to explain it to him. I didn't try hard enough though. He misunderstood. Or maybe he understood, but focused on other things. I am acting like a jealous freak. I accused him of wanting to be with his ex-girlfriend. I don't blame myself for acting so foolish, I blame my experiences.
I hurt. I finally went to the counseling center on Thursday; I broke down. I was supposed to go back the next day, in order to start an immediate chain of visits, but I called ten minutes before and rescheduled. I am putting it off, once again.
Listen to "High and Dry" by Radiohead sometime. It is a wonderful song.
I feel so bloated from the sodium of the past two days. I have been chugging water. I have peed like ten times. Sorry Tmi...
I miss blogging. This blog has changed from the very first entry to now. I started it almost two years ago and I was in a totally different place. I have changed so damn much; I am a shell of a person, a work-in-progress, a mind's eye & an inner voice.
I just want to be thinner. I am really tempted to post some pics. I am just really self-conscious.
I am high and I lost my direction. School...no words really, well failure comes to mind. Ha! I am in college and I am not smart enough to be here. There, I said it. It sucks but the truth hurts. I have no ideas in mind, no plan for the future, no escape route, nothing. I want a plan, I want a purpose. What can it be? Ideas anyone?
I have nothing else. I am lost. I am alone. I am cold and fat. I have to stop myself from wishing that I could go back to my youth. I am 23 and can't quite believe it. I remember being in elementary school...I remember it and long to relive it. I long for its simplicity. I long for an innocent, cloud-free mind.
I am falling down, I need my reflexes to kick in and save me. I hope I make it.
LOve tO yOu.
Stay Strong Today,
& Tomorrow Will Be Better!!!!!!!!
Think thin : )