Sitting here, screwed. I should be studying for my cumulative biology final taking place in t-minus 7 hours. But am I? No. Could I concentrate if I even wanted to? No.
All I can think of is pro-ana and T.
All I can do is get up, walk to the fridge, contemplate eating something. Stare at the bottle of wine, consider pouring a glass, decide against it. A fuzzy head will NOT help me at 8:30 in the morning when I am taking this final.
It doesn't even end any time soon. I have to write an entire paper tomorrow. And study for yet another final, on Friday. And people around here are already done, already celebrating the end of the semester. Me? Pshh... I am stressing and procrastinating and wishing and wanting and fighting it all. I hate college.
My grades are going to SUCK! Sorry, this is no "poor-me" exaggeration. This is reality. I have slacked off all semester. I dropped one class. I just stopped attending another. That leaves me 3. And I can probably guess my grades...C, C, C (plus an F). With minuses, most likely. Maybe a D in Biology because I will certainly do terrible on this final...I don't know any of this shit. Maybe skipping class twice a week, every week, all semester was...idk, stupid?? Fuck it.
I wish I cared more. I wish I did more. I wish I was someone else.
I wish I didn't BINGE THE FUCK OUT the other night. Ready?
1.Carrot cake, mixed with pudding, cream cheese frosting, and whipped cream. WTF. I got it at a grocery store. ((Just $2.99 and your hips will spread like butter on hot bread)).
Nasty junk food. Luckily I threw away some of the chips, frosting, etc...in a sad fucking attempt to decrease the massive amount of calories. And I didn't want to, but I DID count every agonizing calorie that day and documented it all in my Lose it! app. Just to make myself FEEL like a failure. I was embarrassed in front of myself.
Today? Eh, could have been better, could have been a lot worse. Right now the only thing I am getting sick over is school. Finals week may be the death of me.
I have started smoking cigs again : (
I love them, I can't help it. Plus T. smokes a lot. Speaking of, him and I are doing okay. He has been crazy busy this week and this not seeing each other much thing is eating away at my heart. I went to work to visit him tonight, and we kissed and held each other close, and it was great! But then it was done, and I left, and came home to a cold apartment, without him. I would give ANYTHING for him to fall head over heels in love with me.
That's the truth. Because I can see myself loving him.
Mark my words...either this will end or it never will. I don't want it to stop. I want him so bad it's driving me fucking mad.
I need to do something here, study or go to sleep, or something. Tomorrow is going to suck, I already know. I just want to see T. !!!!!!!! I just want to hold him all night long and have him hold me forever.
This dependence is what scares me. I need to be happy with myself before I could even dream of making someone else happy. In order to do this, I will lose some more weight. Yeah!!
Think thin, lovelies. I really enjoy reading your blogs!