Christmas Day = Utter Fail.
Time to fast.
I have no clue what is going on with T. and I. We are hot and cold. I miss him. I wish I knew exactly what was going on. I am that type, I need specifics. It is frustrating because for all the thinking about him I am doing I have to play it cool...you know, attempt to NOT act completely infatuated. If he only knew. Maybe he does. I just want these nasty scenes to quit playing in my head, him & his ex gf, him with random chicks, being attracted to and flirty with them...ugh it drives me nuts...if i let it. I can normally push it aside, think of something else, but I am here. At my parent's house. I am feeling insecure and out of my element and UGLY AND FAT AS FUCK.
I am so fat I hate it. I hate the fact that this house is filled to the brim with food and drink and options for eating and cheese and bread and all of my favorite binge foods, even doritos. And I can't touch ANY of it. And it is literally giving me a headache. I want to be back in my apartment where the cupboards are bare until I fill them with what I CHOOSE.
I just can't win.
I just can't stop being this insecure mess.
I am jealous.immature.annoying.obnoxious.hateful.fat.blahblah & did I mention fat? with no personality and I am so tall I fucking hover? I took a nap after dinner; I fell asleep to inner chanting, "you're horrible, you freak, you fat ugly idiot, you're so stupid" etc. ETC. I entered a dreamless sleep and woke up and what did I do?
LOL. Of course! I ate more. Wow...
triscuits &cheese & some cut up bread & dip.
holy fuck, on top of dinner! I didn't even have dessert! I might as well have, it probably would have killed some of these KILLER CRAVINGS.
I am frustrated and (of course) stoned. Met up with Y. and we smoked a blunt. You'd think I would be peaceful. Nope, just pissed and full of rage and food.
I don't even deserve sleep. I just want to...
I was going to type "hang myself from the rafters" but incidently there are no rafters here and I would not want to hang myself, those words just leapt from my brain to my fingers to my laptop to your eyes.
Let's fast~ starting...now