Monday, December 28, 2009
Fast /\ Fast
My heart is breaking slowly. The jagged pieces had been working on forming a whole, fragile or not. I was hesitant anyway. My issue? T. Found out some bad news last night, concerning him moving back home to work. 2 + hours away. Ok, not terrible but I am not interested in a long distance relationship. He "doesn't know" what he's going to do. I have been asking him about new years, whether he would be here (in our college town where we both have apartments) or home (with his mom/stepdad @ a family party)...and again, he "doesn't know" what to do, where he'll be, if we will be together or not.
Am I bad person for wanting to know a few days ahead of time what plans for new years eve are??? I mean seriously, it is the biggest party night of the year, and it is amazing to be around someone you are seeing!! Kiss at midnight, anyone?
So now, due to his indecisiveness, it looks like I am going to the next city over to meet friends and drink at bars there. Without T. Unless he manages to make the RIGHT decision, which is to see ME, than I am giving up on him.
It's true. I deserve more than this. If a guy likes me and I sleep with him, share secrets, spend time, etc than I want my feelings either reciprocated or disregarded. I refuse to be strung along. He is either in it to win it or out. It fucking sucks. I mean, is this harsh? If we don't see each other on new years, and he moves back home to work for the rest of winter break, than I feel like I should give up on him. I want a guy to make strides for me. I want a guy to take a risk with me, and help me take one too.
God. This fucking blows. Just typing it out, I mean I can hear it in my head, but seeing these words and knowing that he is probably going to choose his hometown and family party over me just really fucking BLOWS.
I am depressed. I cried a couple times last night. Real tears. Agony, alone, automatic weed smoking. I hate me. I hate life.
As for food, well, I suck there too. I am trying to fast today. I have only had tea. There is nothing here I want and I am HOPING AGAINST HOPE that T. actually calls me to hang out today so I can be around him and not eat a thing.
The plan? Finish the rest of this bowl. Go down for a cig and take the garbage out. Shower. .... and then hopefully I am with T.
If we don't do anything or get together for the first time in a week than I am buying ice cream.
So yeah. Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life.
On a positive note, my scale seems to be stuck at 132. I highly doubt it's right though. I weighed myself today for the first time since before christmas and 132 was what I got. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that, which is why I am convinced this scale is broke! Help! Where can I weigh myself to get an accurate answer??? Am I going crazy? It is not a digital scale though, just a regular one, so I am sure these things are bound to break.
I have nothing really I feel like delving into. Ta ta for now.