Jolly good then? Jolly green giant actually.

It's Christmas. I am sitting here at quarter to nine in the morning, high, doing leg lifts under my desk, and chugging water. I absolutely, positively must fast until Christmas dinner. It really sucks that I am expected to partake in this meal. I have to eat, not just in front of mom & dad, but the extended family as well. I am dreading it. I truly am. Because I clearly cannot control myself. I want to. I just seem to have difficulty convincing myself that food is bad when it is heaped on a plate in front of my eyes, looking all pleasing. It should also be noted that T. is away this week. I have been binging every night since I know he will not be seeing/touching my body\fat. Stupid, because I will be seeing him before I know it, and I will be wishing that I restricted like crazy in this time. But I totally restricted all last week. It's a toss up. This weekly binge/restrict cycle is getting old. I need a new plan.

Here it is. T. will be back either Saturday or Sunday, which is when (if all goes according to plan and he doesn't change his mind & stay home) I will see him next. [I can't wait] Ahem. Ok. So today is Friday. Shit. Not much time.. unless I make an active attempt to eat nothing. gawdammit whywhywhy is this holiday based around food and dinner and dessert and bread and sweets and fuck it all- being thin means more than giving in to some stupid craving for warmth and fullness in my tummy.

Back to the plan. Today I am just going to do my best. Tomorrow though, absolutely nothing. Therefore: I will sleep in and deny food if my mom offers it and get on the road back to my place fast.

The minutes are ticking by. Why on earth am I not more excited to get home and open gifts? Well, it's all just material objects. Plus the sizes, oh the sizes. Medium tops and big bottoms. Ugh. WhatEVER.

I got myself here. It's up to me to find a way out. I need to lose. Now. Every minute of every day needs to be dedicated to staying in this mindset.

Have a great day, all. I will be thinking of you and trying to stay strong. It has been tough lately but I have to keep trying! Peace~

& remember to

• think thin
• stay strong
• keep in mind that nothing tastes as good as thin feels