I am home at my parent's house finally. I am basically done with school. Only one yoga take-home exam stands in my way of delicious summer freedom. It's bullshit really, but tomorrow I plan to make the drive back to college town to return a text to my professor and also to sit in the library and pound that shit out.
I am sipping wine, some tasty merlot. I have plans to smoke a bowl (by myself) shortly, after I throw my laundry in the dryer. Yes, I still smoke pot everyday, there's really no giving that up at this point. I do need to find a part-time summer job but it'll preferably be one where I am not drug-tested.
I am feeling lonely, surprise, surprise. I miss T. (in a weird, vague way- we just sorta got to know each other and there was a decent spark-that is what I miss, not him so much). I miss my ex-boyfriend B. He is boning some chick probably as we speak. I miss myself, my youth, my innocence.
Being a "fire victim" sucks because I never want anyone to forget. Isn't that immature? Do I want special treatment? I suppose that yes, I really do. I want to be taken care of and loved and liked. I want people to know for sure that I have lived through some shit. I want my experiences to show in my face; I want my newfound wisdom to sparkle in my eyes.
I met another guy, I'll call this one C.
C. and I hiked (lol) in the woods yesterday, until we came to a beautiful waterfall. We stood knee-deep in the water. We gazed into each other's eyes for a minute, he asked me what color I thought mine were. I said, "green? yellow? hazel?" He said they were pretty :)
He should talk, his gorgeous blue eyes (the BLUE EYES WILL KILL ME! I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR BABY BLUES) were locked on mine and he tried to kiss me. He put his hand on my back and tried to draw me in. I turned away and changed the subject to meditation. Anything to take the focus off me.
Then we basically scaled the freakin' mountain (keep in mind, I smoke, I was dying) until we reached the spot he wanted us to be at. It was gorgeous but terrifying...we were so high up, and the cliff's edge was so close, and then we smoked a joint (that he rolled! my kind of guy!). And then he went in for the kiss AGAIN. and readers, guess what I did? I turned away from him...like a little baby.
I am so scared. I am scared to get to know someone new. I am scared of the future, present, past. I am scared of food and what it makes my body look like. I am scared of driving and snakes and fish and worms and flying and tons of other things.
I like C. He is cute and nice and funny and in good shape. He runs. His mom is dead and I am assuming he has major issues with that. I do not want to take on someone else's issues, I have plenty of my own.
I just realized how revealing I really am with my writing. I tell you everything that comes to mind. I tell you things that I don't tell others. I like it like this, you are my personal confidant, my trusted counselor who never preaches but sometimes comments. I am not alone because I have you.
Lunch- some chips and salsa, two pieces of whole wheat toast (one with butter/garlic salt/basil, the other with a slice of cheese)
Dinner- salad, 3 stuffed shells, 1 slice garlic toast
Dessert- 3 cookies, spoonful of cherry pie
and now, wine.
I disgust myself. That is just too many carbs today but LUCKILY some of them were AT LEAST made with whole wheat. I despise white bread/pasta/etc. The shells were a mistake, but it made my mom happy.
The things I freakin' do.
Wow, looking back on my list of today's food really makes me sick. I hate how gluttonous I become at home. I hate how this weekend has had lots of binging, but thankfully some exercise to counteract it all. The hiking yesterday, the moving of my belongings from college town to home, laundry. I will do anything to burn calories.
I gotta watch it though, I am always preaching to my parents about food and health and what they (we) should and should not eat. I feel bad, but they are getting older and they are both out of shape and they really need to know these things. They need to know what I know.
I must breathe. I can only be responsible for myself. I am me, no more, no less.
Think thin, lovelies. Thanks for reading, if you've never commented, YOU SHOULD! lolz no really, it would be great. I am very curious about who reads this blog. I am curious about your (general) whereabouts, age, sex, etc. So let me know (if ya want).
In the meantime, let's all work on making this world a more peaceful place.
Stay strong. Resist fatty foods always. Think thin. Be thin. Live thin.