Hello world. Last night I tripped on LSD and oh what a joyride that was! It's been a good weekend, with eating as well, but now it is Sunday and I work tonight and tomorrow starts my last week of classes. My life is about to be hell but I can do it, right?? I certainly hope so, I am going a little crazy envisioning all of the work I have to do and all of the papers I have to write and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide but I won't.
Oh, and I think I am over T. He really just pisses me off. Yes, he is hot and tall and funny blahblah. But his personal responsibility and maturity levels are way lower than mine, and I can't stand that about him. He is not the one for me and accepting that really blows.
I wonder if the distance between us over the summer will help us be friends, because I would not call him a friend now. We didn't hang at all this weekend, the BIG party weekend here in College Town...I am surprised. Maybe he thought if we got drunk together I would hit on him or something. Or maybe he didn't think of me at all...that is more likely the case. Anyway, he drives me nuts and I just like the distraction but I really need to NOT distract myself. I need to get shit done.
I need to starve. I want to know how much I weigh, damnit!!!!!
I ate some peanut butter on crackers this morning, with orange juice to wash it down. I am actually stuffed...so hopefully nothing else for the day/night. I am liking my legs again. I was surprised on Friday night, when I was sitting on a stoop, and my bare legs barely touched together, only at the knees. It was a good surprise. I kept staring down like, really?? Sweet!!! Now if only they were like that when I sat on a chair and stood up. But it's a start.
I spent a lot of money this weekend, on drugs and booze and cigarettes. I need to not do that. But it's a good reason to not buy food for the next two weeks, until I'm home. I mean, I'm sure I'll eat, maybe a lot, but maybe not. Because I don't want to. I want to shock people with my thinness. I love being the thinnest girl in the room, which I was, last night, at one point.
A minute or two later...
And yet, here I sit, wishing like crazy that T. loved me. God damn it all, why am I like this? I am trying to make up my mind, but my phone is sitting here like the evil demon that it is, and all I want to do is text him and call him and send him pic messages. I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. Why does he have this effect on me?? WHY GODDAMNIT WHY WHY WHY????
I want to be able to say that my head is clear. I desire a clear head.
It's just not though, it's muffled and crowded with choking thoughts.