well hello

well hello

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Weakness.

Last night my skinny roommate passed out in my arms outside of our friend's apartment. Up on a balcony. It was the scariest thing that's happened to me in awhile, and it didn't even happen to me. She doesn't eat. She smokes a ton of cigarettes and takes prescribed pills everyday. I am so worried about her. I also think she purges. Not much of binger though, or seemingly not. Last night after she passed out, she was positively loopy, saying abstract things, like, "sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't". She knew that I knew what she was saying. Pro-ana and mia behaviors are not something to mess with, but once you're as far gone as she is...

I am scared and sad for her. She is such a sweetheart. She is 3 years younger than me and I feel so protective of her, and yet, it's not like I encouraged her to eat last night after all this shit went down. I just suggested sleep.

And then I went to McDonalds...and binged. I thought this would be okay because I weighed in at 125 yesterday. It is not okay.

I'm sorry :(

It was horrible and I didn't know what to do with myself and she was sleeping so I wanted to sneak food, because I hate eating in front of her because she's so damn skinny, god damnit, I give up...no, I don't, I won't.

Binge: (WARNING, THIS IS GROSS)
2 McDonalds chocolate pies (they were 2/$1...wtf-the cheap-ass in me wanted my pie for fifty cents but should have thrown the other one out the window, oh I do regret not doing so).
McDonalds fruit and walnut (random, but they are good-and I wanted some fiber)

Wendy's small french fries with ketchup.

Tim Horton's donut.

Dunkin' Donuts bagel twist.

OHMYGOD. Fat. Fuck. Carb cravings were out of control last night.

Total amount of calories in my feast? I calculated last night...1570.
1570 in one sitting, what the hell is wrong with me?

I am fucked up, but not as fucked up as my roommate. I am supposed to move home today. I am scared to leave this girl.

Because of last night's disgusting binge I will starve today. I don't even like fast food...why did I spend all that money last night? Why? I thought I was past this binging shit. I thought I was better then that. I guess not. I'm just weak, like you. I hate myself.

2 comments:

Emry said...

I don't care for fast food too much either, but sometimes it finds a way to draw me or something. Sadly.

flabby-j said...

why? i can't even answer ur question since i am trapped in that enigma myself. can never give myself a satisfactory answer. anyway, thanks so much for ur comment! yea, after reading ur comment.. made me think, ED boyfriend will be problematic lol. it'll be lovely to be loved, but not to give any of my love to others... ;) /xo