well hello

well hello

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'm sick.

I just binged on a can of refried beans (ate with tortilla chips, salsa, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce). Then I made a taco. Then I purged. This is after I also binged on some licorice and half a cinnamon roll. There is no way I got it all. I know because I stopped myself. I was in there for like 40 minutes but it just takes me so damn long. Because it's two in the morning and I was trying to be quiet and my parent's house is silent and I could just picture my mom waking to me retching and knocking on the door to see if I'm ok. I'm not. Obviously. I am fucked in the head.

I hate binging but I hate purging even more. I feel bloated and disgusting still. I am sure I got maybe a quarter of it out, but that's nothing. Not a thing.

What a fuck-up, whatta failure.

I want to puke my brains out. It's all still there, I know it. I just want to puke and puke until there is nothing left. Only air. Why did I eat? I was doing so damn good today.

I guess it's because I went to the store tonight, and there were so many overweight people. I mean seriously. To see someone skinny is to see a miracle. So maybe I wanted to feel "normal" - whatever that is. Maybe I wanted to see how much food I could choke down tonight, because I know I won't be eating tomorrow before, during, or after the concert I am going to. Maybe I am just selfish and ridiculous.

What a day. I had been starving and daydreaming about food for hours, and then broke down. I blame my parents. They are both overweight and I feel so damn skinny next to them, like that makes it ok to eat. It fucking doesn't. I need to grow up.

I need to think thinner.

I don't dare check the scale until tomorrow.

Lots of water tonight, and maybe a little sleep.
At least I know I won't be able to stomach anything tomorrow.
God, I'm so pathetic right now.
I just want to be thinner. I just want to be strong.

Peace : /


think thin!!!
*everything is fine as long as I'm getting thinner*

I love her arms.

And thighs.

Mine will be smaller though.


Emry said...

I hate binges but purging even more too! I hate the physical part of purging & I hate that I feel the need to do it because I ate stuff I shouldn't. Hope you have a better tomorrow!

flabby-j said...

what matters is... you were able to stop yourself, which is something i lack. purging feels awful, tastes awful, i do agree. and whenever i purge, i always feel like i didn't purge enough, which is prolly true. i want to purge til i feel only empty air in my stomach. hope ur bloateness goes away soon /xo