well hello

well hello

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Missile proof.

I stayed up until the sun rose and then found sleep in my bright room, listening to my parents and brother getting ready for work. I read this blog, and the comments, starting with October and up until the fire. October was significant because it's when I removed myself from my depression/anxiety meds and also when I met T. I read those passages because I am on a path to self-awareness.

I honestly can't believe my readership has increased. My posts back then were so whiny, all about boys and drama, with a side of binge city. I would like to think I am better then that. I would like to think that all of the events, every little seemingly insignificant moment of the past six months, meant something to me therefore were worth writing about. My writing carries weight and importance. I write about what comes to my head, I am not sure if I get to decide what I write about, it just flows or it doesn't. It's genuine but rough; it's cracked because my brain writhes with split decision.

-24 hours later-

I went out last night. The plans were made in the middle of writing that ^ and I just bounced. I went to the city with B. (ex-bf) and got real drunk and we kissed.

Do I regret it? No. Am I turned on by him? No.

Therein lies the problem.

He is great. We dated for a reason before, he is smart and funny but talkative and uncouth. Last night he was charming and bought us drinks, late nights munchies, smoke, and a taxi ride home. And a bottle. We met up with a friend of his and it was a wild night. I was a hot mess. Wasted and awake and feeling no pain. Thanks vodka.

At the bar I was just reckless and accepted his kiss, a mouth-crushing, passionate make out for maybe a minute. Right in front of bar patrons and my friends...wonderful. I wonder about us. I think we are using each other for company. He knows all about T. With B. it's just..."comfortable" and I feel like my real self around him, like I can be as mellow as I want and it's fine. I like it, and he'll talk to fill the quiet. On the other hand I can be totally nuts and extreme or flirty and shameless, and again, it's cool, he'll go with it. Or pick a fight. That's the one thing. We can certainly argue though it hasn't happened lately.

My neck hurts from sitting so hunched over. I wish I wasn't such a computer geek- I could sit for hours on the internet, and I do! Do you? I love reading online and off. I just finished a novel about a girl from the east coast who leaves for California to start over. Los Angeles, to be exact.
I kind of want to do it.

In six months I will be graduating from college. I need to make a plan. It's just difficult because there is so much I have to do before then. I still need an apartment for my last semester. Fuckkk. Well, I'm working on that this week. For real. And then? Decision time.

I want to move and start over. I am scared of this but I kind of think I should go for it. More to come...

I have been popping Midol every day and my bloated stomach has decreased amazingly. I need to get some more exercise in. I'm too beat to blog, honestly.

Until next time,

Think thin(:

Think thin(:

Think thin(:

She is perfect, I love her body (and those shoes) 
I want 
to be on the beach!!

*Starve on to achieve her look^

The girl on the left is HOTter than the girl on the right.
But I think leftie's thighs are too big..


I love the gap between my thighs. I love my bones poking through my skin.
Thin is easy to get, you just have to be strong.


zen said...

Ha. Love me some vodka induced make-outs. It's a necessity. No one can blame ya.
And yes, I have to get up and stretch my aching back and legs once in awhile... geeking is hard work.
xoxo zen

Anonymous said...

I am the exact same way with my ex-boyfriend and as we speak, my left shoulder hurts because I've been reading too many blogs. I prefer to think of myself as geek chic. Hah.