well hello

well hello

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Doing the wrong thing.

I just smoked finally, but I haven't even left the house yet. It's nine at night. What a chillllllll Saturday. I showered, at least - feels good to be clean even though I'm fat.
I could rent a movie.

Hell no. I deserve no such pleasure. I have a paper to write, that was due Friday.

Slacker Sar.

I sent T. a "final" message, saying that I really cared and some other mumbo-jumbo, probably should have proof-read it a little, but it's sent, regardless. I do care about him, and hope he does well in life. If only he were right for me. If only I could be okay with being alone. If only I were strong enough.

I can't wait to move home. I miss having my own spot. It's tough sharing a room. Roomie is great (thinspo), but I like my space and solitude.

What a contradiction of thoughts: one second I hate being alone, the next I don't?

Freak. Of. Nature.

My posts have been so blah. College is sucking the life out of me. I'm letting it though, because I won't take responsibility for myself and my life. Ha, wow, whatever. I am sick of justifying shit. I'm going to let it all hang out.

I binged yesterday. On licorice bites, just about a whole BAG. What the fuck, 1500 calories for the entire bag, I left maybe 8 at the bottom. I saved 500 calories worth for this afternoon when I finished them and chowed down on 960 calories last night!!!
Seriously, plus crackers with cheap, full-fat peanut butter and microwaved popcorn. What the hell??!!
I do hate binges. I am pretty disgusted with myself. I'm just bummed about T. and college and want to eat away the emptiness that resides within.

It never works though, binges don't work at all because not only do the bad feelings stay but new, more negative ones are formed and they are worse! Because there is NOTHING WORSE than feeling fat, and that is how I've felt all day.
Damn you food, I despise thee.

I've a headache.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I slept a lot of this day. Other times, I snacked on the above mentioned evil items. Yet all I wish to do is eat and sleep or just disappear, really.

I hate it all right now.

Maybe this post has gotten progressively sadder, and maybe I really really care what you think.
Maybe I'm wondering if you've even gotten this far down.

Perhaps you'll only skimmed my sometimes carefully-chosen words for pro-ana tips, maybe not though. Who needs tips anyways, it's a fucking mindset.
One I currently am struggling with. My insatiable brain craves nourishment. My disgusting stomach is taunting me with it's jiggleness. I am sickened and my head pounds and I'm so cold, and T. has not responded, and even if he does I cannot respond back, and it sucks. Maybe I should not have sent him that, maybe you don't care at all about this drama, maybe I shouldn't either, but if not that then what?
What DO I care about?
Myself? Surely not, how about my body? Well there's an idea. I care about my weight and how I look naked and clothed. I care that I am able to feel my hips- that is imperative. I must be able to feel them sitting and standing and through clothes and laying down and naked.

I am lonely and scared. I don't want to do anything but hide under the covers. What the hell is going on? Seriously, I must really be having a down day. I don't like it. I refuse to feel so depressed. It's what could happen though, a real possibility.

I need some ideas. What can I do with my time?
Oh yeah, study/write paper that was due yesterday. Shit.

Well...besides that. I want to do the wrong thing, damnit.

What's with me?

**[think thin]**


Anonymous said...

I like to think I understand. You are not alone. *sounds corny, but quite true.* I always want to do the wrong thing; it catches up quick, too.

Anonymous said...

Nice post ~ 3Q..............................................................

Blue Butterfly said...

I read because I care.

I always want to do the wrong things at the wrong time too. Goes by the name of procrastination/laziness, I believe.

Hope your paper's coming along fine!


C said...

I liked your post. I really empathized with you. I do the wrong thing, too. I know that your (pro ana) values deserve respect and I believe they are in fact healthy. I think it actually comes from a good healthy place to care about feeling your hips/getting as thin as you want to be... I am doing the right thing as regards food, as I am on a food plan and am regularly fasting. I am starting a fast tonight (Sunday); please e-mail/join me if you like. But I am not allowed to binge to "begin the fast." I finally have stopped doing that, just fasting. it (fasting) is the real solution, I think, as it kills off the bacteria/yeast in the body which are the real cause of bingeing/food cravings/being unable to stop eating. Love and hugs.