well hello

well hello

Friday, May 28, 2010

Dagger through the heart.

It's late. It's three-thirty in the morning and tears are quietly and painfully falling down my cheek. Remember T.? Some innocent texts tonight were exchanged between us. Jokes about work. Then my stupid self decides to joke about sex, saying I haven't gotten any...has he? His response, "no, hanging though." My response, "with *someone*?" His response, "yes". 
A girl he "just happened to meet."

I swallowed my heartbreak and sent him well wishes. I mean them. He deserves happiness.

So do I.

I wasn't even thinking of him. We were just casually joking around and I ruined it because curiosity always kills the cat and now look at me, sitting here, slovenly and pathetic.
God, why. Why am I so alone?

Why am I crying?

Oh, T. I really thought I was moving on so successfully. I've been trying. I pushed him to the back of my mind. Like that helps. I need to deal with these emotions head on. Time to delete his number from my cell. No point having it in there. No point at all...

Hello darkness my old friend.

I think I need a glass of wine.

It's almost four and sleep is foreign. Sleep scares me. I won't sleep now. Maybe later, once the sun rises, I'll try.

I wish you could see me. Hell, I just wish you were here. Anyone.
I am sitting on this hard, uncomfortable chair, hugging my legs, crying into the silence, wishing for a loving embrace that I won't get. Wishing for a life that isn't mine. Wishing for love and passion. The unthinkable. The pain, this pain starts in my chest and spreads down my arms, so they feel heavy and alien. My legs, these giant carcasses of ham sprawl out now, their ghastly whiteness makes me sick to my stomach. My stomach, so gross and full of partially digested food, lies dormant underneath my tshirt just waiting for my evil fingers to grab it and pinch the living shit out of my fat, FAT, FAT!

Can you make it better? Can you comment and tell me something like a joke or trivia or good lyrics or just anything really. Just a reminder that the world doesn't stop two inches in front of my face. It extends out, it's ineffable really, and it includes all of you plus so much more. I am a part of more than me. I am more than me. T. is one part of my life that is done. Our happy times will pale in comparison to happy times to come.


Who the fuck knows. Well, I'm just going to continue playing sad country songs on youtube while prolonging sleep. Maybe I'll stay up all night. Maybe I won't. All I know is that I'm sad right now. I am sick of being alone. Don't I deserve love? Aren't I ready for a relationship? Shit, I don't even have a job right now. I am a broke ass bitch. I hate me tonight.


Anonymous said...

I've never commented on your blog before, but this is so heartbreaking that I can't not say something.

It'll get better, I promise. Everything does. Good and bad always balance out, just stay strong! *hug*

Emry said...

This is laffy taffy/kid quality jokes so I can't promise they are fantastically fun, but hopefully the corniness will at least bring a slight up-curl to your lips.

What happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair?
*You rock to the beat.

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair?
*A honey comb

Anonymous said...

I'm cyber-hugging you really, really, really hard, and I'll sit here and listen to everything you have to say, so you won't feel so alone.

Someone recently mentioned loneliness, how we are all sentenced to a lifetime of loneliness, in these lives. I know this doesn't help, but we are all people, we all know how it feels, we're all in love with someone... it's the ever-elusive balance. We'll find it soon.

raiinbowAna said...

My absolute favourite band wrote two of my absolute favourite songs. they're mini songs, meant to be listened together. "Nobody, Not Even the Rain" and "Such Small Hands".

i then found out later that they were written using pieces of a poem by e.e. cummings.
"Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands."
i adore e.e. cummings so i got very excited.

random poetry knowledge, to get your head away from what's bothering you for a moment.

lovelove, dearie.