Today has been dull and I am sinking softly back to my depression. "Resting" in bed off and on all day doesn't make time go any faster. And why should I want to speed up time? I am petrified of my unknown future and too lazy to live fully in the present.
In the back of my mind there are things. Things I could do, would like to do...things like go shopping, or eat something dangerous (for the filling factor), or wash my car, or walk down the street, or blog. Those are just what I thought of today. Other days bring differences in taste. Lately though, I've been so lazy. I don't know if it's because I am back at my parent's house and my bed is comfortable, or because school completely burned me out and it will take weeks to recover, or maybe I am just stupid.
Yeah, that makes the most sense.
Because if I were smart I would get shit done.
I just figured it out. You know what I do? I text boys. I am so lonely and I just want to reach out to someone but not just anyone - he has to have *the connection* with me that I so crave.
N. C. B. G. T.
^ 5 boyz
None of them love me. Who loves me? No one, it feels like. I have been fighting with my mother and ignoring my father and siblings. I am closed off and cold. I am alone. I want to feel love. I want to be in LOVE.
And yet, here I sit, single and smoking a bowl. Like usual. When will I finally have the balls to change my habits? Right now I don't even have a job. I left my job in College Town and hopefully can get it back (when I go back for my final semester!).
I came home to a dysfunctional family and horrible flashbacks of the fire.
I don't even know what the fuck to write about. I am totally and completely uninspired and anxiety-ridden. I need to talk to my counselor but it's not possible and I'm going sorta crazy and I haven't exercised at all. I am a lazy fat fuck who will end up more alone than I am now if I don't get my act together.
It gives me a headache, thinking of such things. I hate it. I hate me.
The truth is that I've turned into a snob.
There, I said it. I'm a snobby girl. (You're probably like, duh, knew that)
I constantly have this need to be right. I voice my opinions when it is not necessary. I am crude and rude in public. I act like I am better than others (even though I DO know that I'm not, I just act as if). I THINK evil, criticizing thoughts about others. I tell myself that I am the prettiest and that others are intimidated.
I am a stuck-up fucking snob and this is sort of a revelation for me. But now that I know this, what do I do with it?
Try and change? Change is hard as hell and I suck at adapting to it.
Devote my life to God?
I don't have a clue, really, about anything these days. My non-committal approach is getting old and I'm sick of acting like a know-it-all when I have no fucking idea what's going on.
**A minute later...
I feel the heaviness in my chest; it hurts. It feels like a heart attack. I am way too lonely and I think I am the one making it this way. I push people away all the time. I am close when it is convenient for me. I am a conniving and selfish twenty-three year old typical type-A American. I hate myself.
I miss yoga. And reading for pleasure on a hammock. Where is our hammock? I miss it.
I miss smoking in K's old apartment, before it burned down. Ohmygosh I miss her. Lucky, she's headed to NYC with some dollars and dreams.
I miss laying in T.'s bed while he held me so close. I could feel his burning desire through his fingers and eyes. I miss letting him in a little. I miss trust. I miss youth.
I miss you.
and my dead relatives.
I miss life before death.
^ (do you know what I mean by that?) ^
Let me hit this pipe so I can change the subject again:
Time for thin thinkin' ...
... or it would be, but C. just texted me, and I am so over it. He's lame. (There goes me critically picking apart another) But really, our little story is not even worth mentioning. He wants to hang, I don't. Done.
Why are guys so confusing? Do I stand no chance of understanding?
This post needs to end, this is a little ridiculous and really I'm just mad. I am annoyed with myself and my world and pissed that I can't be more grateful and appreciative of all that I have.
No one is perfect, sure. I am so far from it though. It makes me sick right now. My fat stomach is sick.
Speaking of fat, I might as well embarrass myself a tad more.
Monday, May 24.
Breakfast: Fiber 1 yogurt (50 cal). slice of Mom's pumpkin bread (150). banana (50).
Lunch: Amy's veggie and brown rice bowl (260). 2 cookies (120).
Dinner: Bean & cheese burrito (420 cal) salad with balsamic vinegar (100). 1 cookie (60)
Wayy less than I thought. No wonder I'm so moody. My body is starvinggg!!!
[why does this make me happy?]
I just a five minute break from this blog. I sat on the floor and made plans with my girl Y. About an hour from now, at quarter to two in the morning, we're going to meet up and blaze with Bob Marley.
And it's not like I need to be up early for any reason in particular.
I just need a breather. Being home is suffocating.
I have a headache, I want food, no I don't, I never want food.