well hello

well hello

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Twiggy: You're beautiful.

I am taking a few minutes now to blog because the events of 2010 are just plain juicy. It's barely started. I am already in a whirlwind. I am putting off some errands for a short time to jot this down, I can hardly believe it myself.

Sorry if this is confusing:

New Years Eve: went to work, made a decision to NOT drive to see my girlfriends in the next city, and texted T.'s friend, who's name also starts with T. So for my purposes I'll call him Tom. (Keep in mind that T. is in his hometown getting drunk with friends). So I texted Tom while at work, asking him to meet me for shots. I knew he had no plans because he told me the night prior. He agreed. I went home after work & changed into a skirt & leggings & boots..lookin'cute and swiggin' Captain Morgan. Then I met up with Tom. (T.'s friend.) (T = the guy I have been seeing)

We started with double mixed drinks and shots and dancing. It was the most random new years eve, but we met up with a mutual friend, J, and the 3 of us started "dancing" (more like swaying & bopping, but who's looking? we're alone on the dance floor; there is a ring of drunks around us). I kept meeting Tom's eyes, and I kinda had the intuition that he was into me. I suspected it before, sort of, but not really. I mean, I've only met him 3 times, the first time was because T. brought me there & introduced us.

The night grows blurry. The time is fun. Midnight came and the 3 of us new years singles met eyes. I squirmed under Tom's burning stare.

We danced more. Drank a LOT more. Then Tom and I started MAKING. OUT.

Omg. Why.
Is he cute? Yes. But like no one I have ever been with. He is taller, older, wears glasses, HUNTS for godssake..I know him barely. But he is an amazing kisser.
And T.'s close friend. I feel bad. It gets better.
I told T. the next day. I said "Tom and I kissed" -just like that. His first question? "Did you make out?"

Yes we did. There were sparks, even. The problem is that I was just trashed. And we smoked pot afterward. I remember getting up from the table at which we were sitting & smoking at, and going to lie down on the floor in J.'s bathroom. I called T. at this time, got all teary, he was annihilated (quite drunk) and then his phone died.
The next time we talked is when I told him and that was the last time we talked. That was yesterday, a full 25 hours ago now. We exchanged a couple texts. But he is mad, I can tell. He really didn't show it on the phone. I guess I didn't let him, I kept blabbing on, trying to save my soul. It didn't work.

I feel like shit about it.
The truth is I don't know why it happened. But I liked it. And I have no clue what my feelings are for either guy at this moment. I don't know if they've even talked. I let Tom know last night that I had dropped the bomb to T....he was mad cool, even chill, about it. He said the reason it happened is because it felt right in the moment and that I'm a "really pretty girl who is nice with a good head on my shoulders and why not take a risk?"

Um? I don't want to ruin the mystery, but I clearly don't have a good head on my shoulders.
I like the taking a risk part though. I told him I liked his boldness. I do. I don't know about sexual attraction though. It's a big thing for me.
I mean, T. was amazing in bed. I was extremely attracted to his body..

LOok at me using the past tense.
It's because I know it's over.

But maybe something new is starting with Tom.
Maybe all of this is happening for a reason.

Just keeping NYE in mind..T. was NOT available to hang. He hasn't been at all. Wake up Sar. Smell the roses. You knew this. You just wanted to speed the hurting process along. Did it have to be his friend though??

I'm hopeless.

2010 is off to a great start.
I need to spend some time alone, thinking about all of this. 3 weeks until school starts again. That means yoga!! Woo! I'm only taking it once a week but hey, it's more exercise. And more of a chance to lose.

I like the idea of being with a bigger guy. T. was skinny. Tom is bigger. I don't know to what extent. But bigger makes me feel smaller.

I can't get ahead of myself. I am waiting on T. really. To see if I hear from him. He is in town tonight for work, maybe he will call after. Even if he does I won't see him at midnight. I don't think. I have slept all day, it's not like I'll be tired.
I want to see him and touch him and talk to him but there is a little part of me who just wants to ignore him and give him the space he so obviously needs, without a messy talk squeezed in the mix.

Help, anyone? Seriously if you have read this much, maybe you might have an opinion?

Oh & think thin!!!


Flushed said...

I don't have an opinion but I deffy want to thank you for some juice!! (no-cal too, he-ey!) I wish you all the best with the situation, try not to worry too much about it, it will work itself through you just have to make the best of whatever plays out.

What a cliffhanger-can't wait for the next episode!


(vixenchick) said...

omg girl i hope thing work out between you guys!

karenladeeda said...

just mind that you aren't being self distructive. take good care of yourself and your heart.

you are a really great writer. I read your blog quite often. your honesty is refreshing.