Ugh, how can I talk so much shit and yet stuff my face when the house is quiet and I'm all alone? I hate the fact that my head has two conflicting forces...one says, "Don't eat, fatass...food sucks. You're not even hungry, duh!" and the other says, "No one is watching, I have money, I want french fries; I want ice cream. I'm a pig!". And you know who won last night? THE FAT ASS PIG THAT LIVES IN MY BODY!
God help me. I went to the store last night and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a box of Raisinets, and a box of Kashi "whole grain" crackers. I wasn't. even. hungry.
I ripped open the Raisinets in the car and poured them into my mouth as I drove, barely tasting the chocolate, reasoning with myself that they would make me shit. I ate about half the box (200 cal) and then came home and secretly snagged a spoon from the kitchen and tore into the ice cream. I devoured about three quarters of the pint (750 calories) and then threw it away. Then I busted out the crackers. I didn't stop to breathe as I shoved them into my mouth, while mindlessly staring at the computer screen. I stopped when I hit the bottom. I didn't want to finish the box but I was damn close (600 cal). I finally looked up, stood up, looked in the mirror, hated what I saw, and proceeded to beat myself up internally for a few hours.
And then I made french fries in the oven, and dipped those motherfuckers in lots of ketchup (600 cal). I passed out with a straining stomach and no will to live. I tossed and turned and had nightmares. I woke today, prepared to starve. But did I?
No. For lunch I had a Tofurkey beer brat with lettuce and mustard on one slice of whole wheat bread.
That was it until...ten minutes ago, when I ate the rest of the crackers and Raisinets. I am a fatass failure and want to die.
Binges suck. This was a loneliness binge and IT SUCKS AND I SUCK AND I AM SO FAT!! You saw my stomach, you're obviously not commenting because you now know that I AM A FRAUD! How dare I preach "think thin" to people WHEN I FUCKING CAN'T?????
I hate ME!
I am chewing gum now, like a madwoman. I don't know what to do...actually I do. I need to exercise my ASS OFF!
I am pushing away friends and declining invitations to chill/party so I can stay home and eat?? What The Fuck Is That??
I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!