well hello

well hello

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Binge City

Ugh, how can I talk so much shit and yet stuff my face when the house is quiet and I'm all alone? I hate the fact that my head has two conflicting forces...one says, "Don't eat, fatass...food sucks. You're not even hungry, duh!" and the other says, "No one is watching, I have money, I want french fries; I want ice cream. I'm a pig!". And you know who won last night? THE FAT ASS PIG THAT LIVES IN MY BODY!

God help me. I went to the store last night and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a box of Raisinets, and a box of Kashi "whole grain" crackers. I wasn't. even. hungry.

I ripped open the Raisinets in the car and poured them into my mouth as I drove, barely tasting the chocolate, reasoning with myself that they would make me shit. I ate about half the box (200 cal) and then came home and secretly snagged a spoon from the kitchen and tore into the ice cream. I devoured about three quarters of the pint (750 calories) and then threw it away. Then I busted out the crackers. I didn't stop to breathe as I shoved them into my mouth, while mindlessly staring at the computer screen. I stopped when I hit the bottom. I didn't want to finish the box but I was damn close (600 cal). I finally looked up, stood up, looked in the mirror, hated what I saw, and proceeded to beat myself up internally for a few hours.

And then I made french fries in the oven, and dipped those motherfuckers in lots of ketchup (600 cal). I passed out with a straining stomach and no will to live. I tossed and turned and had nightmares. I woke today, prepared to starve. But did I?
No. For lunch I had a Tofurkey beer brat with lettuce and mustard on one slice of whole wheat bread.

That was it until...ten minutes ago, when I ate the rest of the crackers and Raisinets. I am a fatass failure and want to die.

Binges suck. This was a loneliness binge and IT SUCKS AND I SUCK AND I AM SO FAT!! You saw my stomach, you're obviously not commenting because you now know that I AM A FRAUD! How dare I preach "think thin" to people WHEN I FUCKING CAN'T?????

I hate ME!

I am chewing gum now, like a madwoman. I don't know what to do...actually I do. I need to exercise my ASS OFF!

I am pushing away friends and declining invitations to chill/party so I can stay home and eat?? What The Fuck Is That??

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Emry said...

Binges are horrible. You know how you'll feel afterwards & during, yet sometimes it just seems impossible to stop. Wish I has some great words of wisdom to pass along. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Perhaps soon your body will grow tired of stuffing itself & your urge to binge or eat more than you can to will subside.

Charr. said...

Binges are fucking hell. I don't even need to elaborate because we've all been there and know how fucking awful it is.
You aren't a fraud babe. We all slip up.
Pick yourself back up, forgive yourself, and keep going in whatever direction you choose. We're here for you.

MyNameIsMellon said...

Oh darling it isn't as bad as you think. Imagine doing this all day everyday. I have transitioned from the beautiful thin world of ana to mia. My life revolves around binge/purging, exercise, laxatives, white tea, apple cider vinegar, etc. I'm so messed up I'm having heart palpitations on the regular, spiting up blood, and coughing my lungs out all day and all night. But do I stop? Heck no! Then I might actually have to feel something. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent now. I'm sorry things went south for you, but they'll start to look up. You can't reach the mountain without getting through the valley.