well hello

well hello

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Chasing falls.

I am fucked in the head and scared and sad. Yesterday was good. Yesterday I did some volunteer work, and my pay was a tshirt, water bottle, and free entry to a concert. Today I've already cried and screamed and fought with B. (ex-bf). We were friends. Now we are not. It's too bad that we piss each other off every minute. We kissed on Friday and have been fighting every day since then. We just push each other's buttons and can hurt one another really easily. It's fucked up.

Yesterday was good. I pushed myself. I challenged myself. It paid off. I was feeling SO good. Today I am miserable and want purpose. I had purpose yesterday; today there is none. I want to feel good everyday. This bipolar shit is killing me. I do not know for sure if I am bipolar, or just super moody, but either way my brain is fucking with my emotions.

Right now I am smoking in my bedroom at my parent's house. I am disgusted by their mere presence at times. Today is one of those times. I don't bother hiding the contempt in my voice. I don't bother smiling. I am not working, just living off them, and I am acting like a brat. Or I AM a brat. I don't know.

I want to think I am good. I'd like to think that I don't suck ALL the time. I try to be nice to strangers, children, and animals. For some reason though, when it comes to those I care for, I act like a fool.

All this acting... I should be an actress.

Maybe today I'll spend some money on something material.

I am so scared sometimes.
Last night I dreamed of a dead relative..a younger cousin. I miss her. My dreams scare the fuck out of me. She is there, with her family (who are all still living), and I am there, and I KNOW she's dead, I am aware of this and yet it's happening, we are all there and I am waiting. Waiting for the noise and visual affects that announce her departure. She always leaves, and I'm sad, and then I wake. Reflective. Melancholic.

I have craved pancakes the past few mornings. Ha. Who am I kidding, I don't wake until after noon. Ahem. My point is that I haven't made them. Screw pancakes with their carbs and sugar. Screw syrup in all of its cornstarch and artificial flavor "glory". I can't believe it, really, I even pulled the box out. I was mentally preparing myself to cook (lol) and decided, "fuck it, I don't need these."

Oh, and I have gained weight since moving home, I AM POSITIVE! I was around 127 when I moved home. Now?? 130.

What the fuck??

There is a digital scale here so of course I weigh myself several times a day. It's sad.

I need to keep restricting - how appropriate. My phone alarm just went off, haha, for what you ask?
It says "Don't eat." to me everyday :) I love it. Just started that and I do believe it's working. At least for yesterday and today. Food intake hasn't been terrible.

Nothing today and it's just about three in the afternoon. Help me stay strong, please.

Think thin. All day. All night.

I took this picture.

Take care of yourself.



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