It is 6:45 in the morning and my stupid fucking cat will never let me sleep more than one hour and it's making me mad.
My legs itch, I hate dry skin. Sometimes, I hate showering. I am too lazy for that tedious endeavor, and I suppose I might smell right now, of sweat and insanity.
I guess sleep is for the innocent.
My cat has energy spurts starting at 5 in the morning and I hate it. My cat is not normal, clearly, which makes sense because he is mine. I wish he would sleep from 1 am - 8 am. That would be okay with me. Seven measly hours, world, and I'm sure I could find time to rest my bones.
My sister will be having a baby any day now. This excites me and fills me with a strange jealousy. I hope she's happy. I hope her husband loves her and does not leave her with a kid. I hope for the best.
But I am always expecting the worst.
Just realized I am doing nothing for St. Patrick's Day [today] because I work at seven AM tomorrow. Again, I'll be up early as fuck but with no hangover so I suppose that is a good thing.
I hate myself for even caring about T. for a second. He does not deserve my thoughts, he does not deserve to breathe the same air as me. Heartless motherfucker, I absolutely, positively, hate him and am thisclose to wishing death upon him but I won't go that far because sometimes I am mysteriously psychic and I would feel pretty bad actually if he died.
My legs fucking itch what the fuck.
Day 3 of Spring Break and I don't even know how to spend my time. I just sit at the computer and read online articles and blogs and news and listen to music. I smoke lots of pot and get the munchies and buy candy. I chug water and get up to go pee lots [sometimes it's my only exercise].
Did I take the walk yesterday? That sounded so marvelous to me? Well....no I did not. I took a nap on the couch instead, because I'm lazy.
My dreams are haunting and vivid and surprise me.
My life is blank. I must fill it. But with what?
I want to end this, I need to stop typing and start showering or doing jumping jacks or something with this pissed off energy that is currently radiating through me, but I'm frozen here.
There is always more to say. I have thought of starting another blog, but why abandon this one? I have followers that hopefully read. But more importantly, I can turn to "New Post" and it feels like talking with an old friend.
I am so lonely. I have no friends. No one calls me.
Actually, one person does. My ex, B.
He is the only person I have talked to over break, except for my parents and brother when I went home. No one talks to me or even cares that I am alive. That's how I feel. That's probably why I have always liked working...it forces people to be around me. And I like it because I can talk to them and they can't leave [they're stuck; they're clocked in].
Am I crazy? Maybe.
I need to replace T. in my thoughts with something tangible. Something that actually matters.
How about my pursuit to thinness?
I'll stand up and do a mirror check, hang on..
I look fat today. Of course, I only slept maybe three hours. Not fair. I wanted to sleep for eight hours and wake up and feel less bloated. I had lots of veggies yesterday and they're taking up TOO MUCH SPACE.
Dammit I just want to be thinner. Ok, 50 jumping jacks...ready and go.
I'm out of breath. I did 75.
I like jumping jacks, they get my heart pumping.
My fingers were fluid before, pounding out the letters and words so quickly. Now they are strangers, hitting the wrong keys and backspace all too often. I guess it's from my blood moving around and making them dance.
I just did 25 more.
That hurt, and felt good.
Fuck flab. Fuck fat. Fuck being lazy.
I will do 100 jumping jacks every day. Maybe more, but it's a small start. If blogging is the push I need to do them, then so be it!!
Ugh, I feel sick. I just want life to start, but it already has for me. My life started when I popped out of my mom's pussy [disgusting] and it will end when I die. I could die today. Today could be the day that I die. It's a scary thought. One I shall dismiss now.