well hello

well hello

Monday, March 15, 2010

Out of Tears.

45 minutes before I must be at work yet I'm compelled to blog. I've been reading yours, so why don't I write mine? I am reading a book, "The Bell Jar", and I like it. I am not done with it, but hope to finish tomorrow or the next day. I can relate to the main character. Whatever, this isn't a book review. I just need an outlet now.

I am smoking a bowl and feeling fat today, Monday, the start of a loonnggg week without classes. I should be happy, I should be loving this. Because I never go to class. I have skipped classes a couple times a week since the second week of school. But I'm not particularly happy or loving anything right now. I almost wish for the distraction of class. Being around people is thinspiring for me, it makes me not want to eat. So I can look better than them.

I am unhappy with my reflection in the mirror and also how I am reflected in other's eyes.

Only read this next part if you feel like being repulsed:
[My food intake today, starting last night at about 12:45 A.M. - kashi granola bar, amy's brown rice & veggie bowl (didn't finish it), pudding cup, tortilla chips and salsa, apple, banana, and jelly beans, it is now 6:30 P.M.]

SO MUCH. in  16 hours. I was sleeping some of that time too!
Ugh I have no self control. The weird part is I was really not that hungry last night. I had a huge meal at my parents (went for the weekend-didn't binge), well they did...I filled up on roasted veggies! And ice water :) But when I came back to town I smoked copious amounts of marijuana with Tom.

Yes, Tom. ((not T.))
It was simple and casual and close by. It worked out nicely.
But ya know, I got the munchies and hate going to sleep so I was delaying the inevitable with the worst thing ever...fucking food.

I will eat nothing else today. I do not deserve to eat any more because I feel like I've been stuffing myself. The truth is I have no clue if I have. I have no idea if I am eating too much or just enough or too little. I am guessing and going by bones, fat, and mirrors. This is a miserable time, and yet I kind of love it.

I've got a rage in me.

****Think thin.

Because nothing tastes as good as thin feels****

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ahh Sylvia Plath is great. The Bell Jar is too.

"I have a rage in me"....I like that. Sounds like you are determined :)

Stay Strong