well hello

well hello

Thursday, March 4, 2010

My tortured eyes.

I've been depressed for weeks, months, years. After awhile I got used to it: faking smiles, isolation, pain. After awhile I forgot what I used to be like. I forgot how to feel joy. "Happiness" became associated with physical closeness (sex & relationships), altered states (drugs, drinking, cigarettes, caffeine), and of course, food (eating, reading about, talking about, looking at recipe books...another kind of high).
Those things don't bring happiness though, not real and true contentment.
I have this strange urge to be in a serious relationship.
It scares and sickens me. Mostly because deep down I know that I am not ready. I am afraid of commitment and have deeply rooted fears of abandonment.

Enough about that sad stuff. I really couldn't stay on topic if my life depended on it.
I have a paper due tomorrow morning at eleven. It is 7:45 pm. I have not started. Shit. Why do I always put myself in this position? I procrastinate hardcore, it's a terrible habit, among many.
As I type I am eating sour gummy candy. Oh, have I hit rock bottom? Definitely yes. Things with T. are over, I know it. It's getting bad. It's honestly just a terrible shame that we hooked up, because I left part of my heart in his hands.

I know he sounds like a total flake but the weird thing is I feel all butterfly-ish when I'm near him or face to face. I need to get past that though. It is a total crock of shit. There are no fairy tales. He just texted me this: "idk about us".

Fuck. Well like I said, that's over. The hardest part is pushing him out of my mind. He tends to linger in my thoughts like my hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

I went to see my teacher earlier and the entire time there were tears in my eyes. I was shaky and my voice was husky. I was a mess; I tried real hard to keep my cool. He now obviously thinks I am a nutso basketcase. I need to write this freakin' paper and turn it in. What the fuck is my problem?????

Think thin, because it's everything.


Birdie said...

you can do it - just write a few sentences even if they aren't great and at least that's a start and you won't have to stress about the "starting" aspect of it - good luck and feel better

Anonymous said...

Ah, dear, you are so wonderful... Your first paragraph was exactly what I think every single day. How I've turned to external influences to determine my Bliss Index, when in reality they only make me feel worse and worse... the cyclical shit hitting fan doesn't help, with that stench...

I know you'll kick your paper's ass! I'm a procrastinator too, but when you need to do something, you can and you will. I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope everything works out.

Admittedly, T sounds like this guy I knew last summer... he did the same things, and he was a huge pill-popper. I liked him, I dare say I was even starting to love him, but I also have huge commitment/ abandonment issues, and dropped him, fast, when he couldn't decide what he wanted, what he needed... it was too fragile for me...

Anyway, you're doing amazingly well, considering all the chaos.

Take care...

I am His said...

Hang in there, girl! You can get through this.

I am His said...

Hang in there, girl! You can get through this!