I am here, you are there.
I got my test grade, 68. Out of 100.
I took the test last friday after T. and I's wild, sexy night. I am letting every part of my life slip to the ground. I only care about him. And when he will text me. Or call me. I can't concentrate in class because I am constantly hoping to spot him on campus.
I've become a little obsessed.
I have done nothing exciting today except go to class. I did not pay attention. I came home and facebook stalked T. until I felt slightly mortified at the extent of my actions.
I hate myself.
Earlier, I went to bed to lay down for awhile. Barely slept. Just thought, and wished for the stupid sound of my phone.
Once I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything and sleep wasn't happening, I got up. And ate a bag of microwave "butter light" popcorn. What. The. Fuck!
I hate myself. Did I say that already?
Sorry guys, I was feeling so much more positive yesterday. But today I am pathetic. And bloated...period time, yay.
I am smoking a quick bowl. I am tempted to go to campus for this women's history month presentation. It is in twenty minutes. I know there will be food there, though.
What to do?
I am interested in hearing the speech, but the idea of eating more is making me sick. I ate lunch already. (Huge salad and mashed potatoes (no gravy obviously) and a few tator tots (no ketchup) and a cookie. Yikes. PLus the popcorn?? I am so gross.
T. is driving me crazy. His blonde, white-teethed, world-traveling ex-girlfriend is back in the picture. I am fucking pissed and let him have it, because he emailed her! And apparently "misses her" cuz it's "been so long" (she's in a country on the other side of the world) (bitch).
Think what you want. My intuition tells me two things: (1) he is trying to make me feel like shit/how I made him feel (reverse psychology? doubt he's smart enough for that but I digress) because he is jealous of my ex-boyfriend, who came to see me a month ago...or (2) this was his first love and he wants to reconnect in hopes of possibly getting back together someday.
I have no idea if either of these is true. I want to know. But I don't. And can't ask.
We did talk about it. He insists there is not nor will be anything going on. At least not "romantically". Ugh.
I can't even think straight. Oh yeah, I just blazed.
I need to talk about this crazy stuff that is going on in my head. I need to. I have been thinking about suicide. I think about it far too much, it can't be normal. I have no plans. Just thoughts. I feel sick.
I am so completely adhd.
I just got up, looked for my kitten's squeaky ball (it was under a dresser), and began playing with him. I was down on my hands and knees. Then I walked to the kitchen and looked at the dishes. Thought about doing them. Remembered I was typing a blog post. Sat back down. Here I am. Am I crazy? This is my life.
I have another test tomorrow. At eight in the freakin' morning. I'm getting up super early so I am "properly caffeinated," as quoted by my teacher. He's a funny one.
It looks like I'm skipping the talk. Better to be safe than sorry. I can't be around all that food. Not after I just ate. Fuck it. It's only been 5 hours since lunch and I just had to have the popc-- I won't even finish typing that evil, disgusting word.
The sun came out briefly, while I was in bed, I looked at it out the window a few times. I did not go outside. Thinking back, I could have taken a walk in the sunshine. What was I thinking? I ask myself this too much.
I am freaking T. out.
I am freaking me out.
Think thin, people. Let's not aid to the obesity epidemic.
Keep losing weight- it's good for you.
I'm happy it's March...spring is on the way.
Spring clothes; shorts, skirts, dresses, tank tops, bathing suits.
Will I be looking good? Will I be NOT feeling self-conscious in my skin?
I will be 120.
Short term goal: 125 by the end of March. Holding steady there for a couple weeks.
Then it's gonna be 120. Maybe by 4/20/2010 ...
I'm serious though. Please, take me seriously. Hold me to this. I'm not fucking around anymore. If I fail at everything else (school, relationships, keeping house) than I might as well succeed at being skinny. It's my only choice. It's the only choice I want, actually. Because I'm scared of change. Hell, sometimes I think I'm scared of success.
Ok, a list before I go. I need to:
1. Do the dishes.
2. Clean the cat's litter area
3. STUDY!!!!! YOU HAVE A TEST IN THE MORNING, STUDY SAR!!
4. Pay a bill or two
5. FIND AN APARTMENT FOR THE SUMMER/FALL
7. Sort laundry, but don't do it : ) Bring it home this weekend! : )
8. Send C's card!!
9. Omg. START PAPER TOMORROW...it is due friday. I can't start it tonight because I need to STUDY!
10. Exercise..do some lunges, you lazy slob. Or some situps, jumping jacks, wall pushups, stretching, or jogging in place.
There. My list feels complete. I can do all of this in the next two days, leaving the rest of the week to focus on my paper. I need to make school a priority instead of T. He cannot be my only reason for life. I do not want to be envisioning my right hand dragging a knife down my left arm. I don't want to go there. I need to do things for me. I need to get this shit done and restrict like crazy until it's a habit.
So this turned long and slightly therapeutic, although I still have this sick knot in my stomach and this pain and heavy ache in my chest, my heart.
I need a hug so badly. I need human contact. I am so alone. I hugged my cat, he let me for a few seconds, but did not hug back. I need someone to love me.
I guess this is a good place to stop.