well hello

well hello

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Try or Die.

I feel incredibly angry and delusional. I hate the decisions I make and the choices I choose. I am lazy, self-destructive, and cold. I am heartless at times and too emotional at others. I am me. I am a failure. I am a self-defeating freak.

I am a girl who has never known a healthy, happy relationship.

I have wasted so much time, and I am shortening my life everyday. I smoke, I binge-drink and eat. I am fat. I am stupid.

I hate me.
Where did I go?
I want to jump out the window.
I want someone to tell me I am ok, that I did not ruin everything. I want someone to love me for me, or even like me for me. I wanted T. to see my good side. He only got the bad side.Things are terrible. I have officially turned over to the dark side, concerning him. He will never see me as someone nice, sweet, innocent. Never. He now knows how fucked up I really am, and he hopes I "figure it out". Great. Now he pities me.

I don't pity me. I deserve what I get.
I messed around with a married man a few years ago, I cheated, I've stole and lied. Karma is coming to get me.

The weariness shows in my eyes and forehead.

The candy binges show in my gut.

The smoking shows in my teeth and skin.

At least I've stayed away from fried food lately.

I thought I could write, I can't.

I have nothing more to say. All I want to do is walk into a brick wall, or smash my fist into some glass, or lay down in some cold snow and stay until I freeze into a block of Sar-Ice.
All I want to do is be fucked up. Or just plain fucked. Is it time for emotionless sex? No, maybe not. Hell.

Just, hell.

It is one in the morning and I have class at eight.

Sleep is an impossibility.

If I do sleep I have nightmares.

If I do sleep I wake up alone.

My throat hurts. My heart, well, it feels invisible right now. It should be throbbing, it was...but I think it gave up on me. I gave up on me so I don't blame it. What can I do?

Think thin. Obviously, that's the answer. I want to be thinner. If I am thinner, maybe I will attract more men, and more attention. If I am thinner than maybe my past heartbreaks and disappointments will cease. If I am thinner than maybe I will be happier.

I hope so. I'm going to try. I guess, I mean at this point it's either try or die.

I'm gonna swallow some laxatives and maybe smoke a little more pot than attempt sleep. If sleep does not come than I deserve that, too. Why should I get rest? I can't sleep, fuck it. What to do, what to do.. idk.

T. hates me.

I have no one.

Not even myself, I am lost. I am lonely. I am a childish loser. That's what I called T. tonight, "a fucking loser". God. Why. Why. Why. must I take out my anger and fear on the one I didn't want to lose. Now he is gone. Gone with the fucking wind. And I am gone. And life is gone.

My posts have been unbelievably depressing the last few months, and I'm sorry. But I need help. I have no access to it. Therefore I live a terrible life and blog/complain about it once awhile. I don't know how to end this post. I don't know, you guys. I am just so...sad.

: /


Birdie said...

You are not alone - we care about you! You haven't ruined everything, tomorrow is another day - I hope it's better than today was...here's to sleeping!

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

This may not help, but...

...for what it's worth, Birdie's right. We *DO* care about you. Maybe more than you know. We need you. I wish I had the power to take it all away, and to make you see how beautiful you are. I know, though, that it's hard to believe that coming from anyone, coming from ourselves...
Just hang in there. Make it through the day, and then the next. Things *WILL* get better.
I promise.

Anonymous said...

Ditto to what Birdie said. You are not alone, most definitely NOT.

And, even though we've never [knowingly, probably] physically met, I still like you. I dare say you sound like every thought and feeling in my own head and heart, or supposed lack thereof. But you're not heartless. You're not stupid. You are not alone.

Even if it is just a cold heap of radiation and wires, these computers, this technology, connects us, somehow, in a way that is rare in physical, face-to-face and hand-to-hand relationships.

You have me, and us.

Best of luck sleeping, maybe we can all just get a good night's sleep tonight... I hope.


I am His said...

You are ok.
You haven't ruined everything.
You are more precious and valuable and beautiful than you know.

I know that for positive.

Hang in there, okay?

Because you are loved for YOU.