well hello

well hello

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

NOT chipper. Chopper.

I think I just need to write. I am an emotional mess today. When I have nightmares that tends to be the case.

I am listening to Fiona Apple.
I ate a lot of food today.
School is going.
I am alone.

T. is frustrating me. I don't think he means to, it is just happening because (again) I have managed to construct crazy expectations and they are not being met. Not at all. I can't even meet my own personal expectations. I expect so much from myself and everyone else and I don't get why. No one died and made me Queen. I don't do anything wonderful. I am just a liver. I live. And death will come soon enough.

I have the weird habit of talking about death all the time, to anyone.
I am honestly in a pissed off mood.
I am sick of this world and all the bullshit in it.
I am tired of having disturbing nightmares.

I hate walking through campus feeling old. What a weird thing to waste my days worrying about. I am 23. I just feel like I should be done by now. But I'm not! Constant conflicts in my head. Tugging in my chest. My college advisor suggesting dropping out. Sucks to realize I have no support at school or even in this town. I have no real friends, that's how I feel. Just people I know.

I'm low, right now. Real low. I want to be high. I want to be light.
Intense restriction tomorrow.
Today got a little out of hand. I must make up for it tomorrow.

Ugh! I just want to cry, but I couldn't squeeze out a tear if I tried. And I did, earlier. Right now I crave cigarettes and a blank mind. I wish to escape. I want to forget it all.

Think thin.

Speaking of which, the obesity problem in this country is terrifying. I am really grossed out by the fatties I see. Call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm sorry, but if you don't notice an extra 50-100 pounds creeping up, around your middle than you are delusional and I don't like you.


Sairs said...

I know trying to be happy when you're not sucks. I am older than you and I'm still going through all this. It seems like I've been going through this forever. But I just keep on plodding through. One day I will make it. I just wanted to say I hope you are okay. Take special care *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I definitely understand what you mean. We can make it through, though, it's possible and probable. We just have to keep going forward.

Phantasmagorical Delusion said...

Agh, I'm supposed to be studying and reading and doing all kinds of productive school things but I felt compelled to comment. I'm 23 as well, also feel like I should be done, also feeling quite old around all of these "kids" who are only a few years younger than me... But no, we know the truth. We've just lived much more than they have, that's all. We're eons older. Makes perfect sense that you'd feel this way.

I like your last little paragraph there about the not noticing 50-100 lbs sneaking up... lol. You can't NOT notice, it's fricken' impossible. You have to make an effort to get your fat ass off the couch, fit into your car, and drive all the way to your nearest clothing store and actually SPEND MONEY and TIME purchasing new, BIGGER clothes because you're positively busting out of your old ones. There's no way you didn't notice all of that happening.

Anyway, I think it's funny that you told them you don't like them. That made me smile. :)

I hope your day is treating you as well as you deserve, love. Sending a smile (albeit a painful one...damnable labret piercing!) your way. :D <3