I think I just need to write. I am an emotional mess today. When I have nightmares that tends to be the case.
I am listening to Fiona Apple.
I ate a lot of food today.
School is going.
I am alone.
T. is frustrating me. I don't think he means to, it is just happening because (again) I have managed to construct crazy expectations and they are not being met. Not at all. I can't even meet my own personal expectations. I expect so much from myself and everyone else and I don't get why. No one died and made me Queen. I don't do anything wonderful. I am just a liver. I live. And death will come soon enough.
I have the weird habit of talking about death all the time, to anyone.
I am honestly in a pissed off mood.
I am sick of this world and all the bullshit in it.
I am tired of having disturbing nightmares.
I hate walking through campus feeling old. What a weird thing to waste my days worrying about. I am 23. I just feel like I should be done by now. But I'm not! Constant conflicts in my head. Tugging in my chest. My college advisor suggesting dropping out. Sucks to realize I have no support at school or even in this town. I have no real friends, that's how I feel. Just people I know.
I'm low, right now. Real low. I want to be high. I want to be light.
Intense restriction tomorrow.
Today got a little out of hand. I must make up for it tomorrow.
Ugh! I just want to cry, but I couldn't squeeze out a tear if I tried. And I did, earlier. Right now I crave cigarettes and a blank mind. I wish to escape. I want to forget it all.
Speaking of which, the obesity problem in this country is terrifying. I am really grossed out by the fatties I see. Call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm sorry, but if you don't notice an extra 50-100 pounds creeping up, around your middle than you are delusional and I don't like you.