well hello

well hello

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sovay. AB.

So much going on. I have ZERO energy to function. I can't seem to find the time for the simple things. Here are numbered updates, the only way my tired brain can work right now.

1. Brought my kitty to the vet, he has conjunctivitis. Basically pinkeye for cats. Can be caused by them scratching their eye (best case scenario) or the herpes virus (worst case..no cure).
I have to squeeze this gunk in his eye from a tube twice a day. HE HATES IT. I struggle and cry with him. Sometimes he rules me- him, and every other male in my life.
I can't even imagine having a child if having a pet is anything like having a child. Lol. Ok. Most likely not. But damn, it is hard to guess what they want and why they do what they do and how much to feed them and how loud to yell, etc.

2. I've figured out that I suffer from "abandonment" issues. I was emotionally abandoned by my father. It has been affecting me for awhile, but now at the age of 23 I have a name for it.

3. I can't sleep anymore. The past 7 or so nights have been me waking up every 3 hours, like clockwork. I pick up my cell phone, see that there are no texts, and get up to use the bathroom. I have been chugging a ton of water. It makes me pee during the night. I hate it. But I crave the hydration. I just want to lay down and be comfortable and sleep for 8 straight hours. Preferably cuddled up to T.

4. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T.

I miss him. I keep crying. I'm way down in the depths of depression, I feel it. I have to ride it out. I can't go under. I have to keep going, I need to stay alive. I need to breathe. I need to be ok.

But it hurts. I keep fighting with myself: "mourn" him, give him some space, don't see anyone, try and get him back. Or. Push him out of my head, give him some space, don't see anyone, DON'T try and get him back, let fate intervene.

I guess I will do a combination of both.


5. Where does this leave Tom? fuckshitdamn- I don't even know. He is now morphing into this person I can text and get an instantaneous response. He is now almost a trusted confidante. I went there two nights ago. He asked me to chill awhile. We smoked a lot of weed and talked. That's it. When it was time to leave, I was bundling up (scarf, hat, gloves, boots .. lol stupid snow) and he stood up.
How gentleman-like.
But I was so afraid he would try to kiss me I ran out of there. "Take care!" and I book it.

Him and I have already been texting today. He asked me to come over friday, he'll get some wine, we can drink and smoke and "tell stories". omgomgomgomgomgomg I can't do this again, though. Doesn't he see that? I mean, yeah, that sounds like fun! My kind of fun!!
A date though??? No, it's not a date.
Well, here's the thing: after he texted me that, I texted him back this:

"Are we hanging just as friends? Can you promise to not make a move/kiss me?"

and he said, "Well I can promise I won't try to have sex with you or anything..now my lips have a mind of their own, so I can't speak for them at the end of the night."

what. the. fuck. tom.
That was almost a half hour ago. I have not responded. I don't need this. I don't want this pressure. I don't even know if him and T. are cool with each other. I am afraid to ask either of them.

I am a mess. (Obv)

I think I need help. I might make an appointment at my school's counseling center. I need to talk to someone, get this all out in the air.

I hate myself.

Here's yet another reason why:
I binged last night : /

I ordered a veggie calzone from the local pizzeria.

Ugh. and ate the whole thing. I am such a fat cow. I was so alone, and craving cheesy-bread like I do when I'm sad and about to start my period. (Which better fucking come, if it doesn't...well I won't go there. Let's just say T. and I never used a condom)..

So all together yesterday I consumed like 2800 calories. Holy fuck I'm in hell. It was mostly from granola. I love that stuff, why is it so caloric?? All I know is from midnight to midnight I ate 2800 fucking calories. This is why I can't be alone. I need someone in my life. I have no one. When I like a guy it makes me feel better about myself, like I have a reason to take care of myself because somebody is seeing me and my body.

I am pathetic. I am all over the place. This is all just stuff going on in my life. It's lame. I'm lame. I am fasting today. 3 in the afternoon and nothing yet. Just water. I need to flush out those fucking calories. Oh, and I took 1 laxative and 1 midol. Just to reduce bloat.

I hate pills yet I love them. I hate food yet I live to binge, these days anyways. I hate men yet I crave their company and touch. I hate myself yet I won't do anything to change me.

I have no idea what to say to Tom. So nothing, I guess. All I want to do is call T. I won't though. So plan B? Going to walmart for cat litter. and I think I'll get some wine. Oh wait, shit, no money.

I am scared of myself.

What an awful feeling.

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