It's 6:26 in the morning and I'm fucking AGITATED.
I can't take this game with T. anymore. I fuckingcan't. It's making me sick and sad. I know he just got back saturday. I know I need patience. I am crying right now. It is so early and I'm crying over heartbreak.
Another long day ahead. God you guys, I can't get him out of my head. It's driving me CRAZY. I can't seem to push these nasty thoughts aside to focus on myself. i NEED to.
I have really put myself out there. Now I wait. Now I feel fucking sick. I don't want to wait. Any guy readers? Anyone with knowledge about men? Is it true that they either like you or they don't? Is it true that T.'s feelings may never increase for me? Am I forever stuck in "friend-zone"?
I feel horrible. I have class at eight, and a tiny amount of pot. I may smoke the rest in a bowl. Might as well go a little baked. Better yet, I think I should I start leaving my phone at home or something. I can't even tell you how many times a day I check it, hoping against hope for something from T.
I HATE THIS I HATE HIM I HATE ME I HATE THE WORLD
I'll show him. Come spring time, when skin will be revealed more often, I will look amazing. My body will be slamming! It's ok now, but I will lose tons of weight and he will want to just touch me and hug me and won't be able to, because I'll be untouchable.
I lit incense, it tickles my eyes and nose. The smell of cat shit is unbearable right after he goes in his box. I hate that about having a cat, it's so gross, disgusting, horrific, vile, sour, nasty, etc. I am so fucking lazy about cleaning it though, don't get me wrong, I do it every few days, I have to. But you're technically supposed to do it every day. I guess I can add bad "mom" to the list of qualities about me that make me want to slice my neck open and bleed out on the blue carpet of my living room.
But I won't.
So I can't.
My daily tarot: The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go.
Why is this ringing so true today? "I am not afraid to be alone". I like that. I am. But I can learn not to be, maybe. Right now I crave affection, touch, love, lust, hope, faith. I want to love someone. I think I'd be good at it. I want someone to love me so much.
Yesterday was good in terms of calories. Today will be good, as well.