It's over. T. & I are done. It's official.
I'm not going to lie, I am heartbroken. I sobbed on the phone & off. Mostly I am just so ashamed of my behavior. I don't even recognize myself. I haven't for awhile. I just live, like a sinner. I need to find a new focus. I may try religion. I may try...what? I don't know. But I keep pushing people away and it's not healthy. I am so alone.
My temples throb. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. It is a freakin' blizzard outside, luckily. So no temptation whatsoever to go brush the snow off of my car and travel somewhere fast food-ish to binge. One good thing, I suppose.
T. wouldn't even see me -- we just spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone. He seemed apologetic, to his credit, but I can't think clearly about what I want right now.
This has been coming for awhile, but ohmygod it hurts and it sucks.
One thing I said to him was how I just could not believe that I had only met him a few months ago and liked him so much and so fast and now it's over on account of me fucking up. (Something along those lines)
And it's true. I can't believe it.
He ran through my life like a marathon sprinter.
In and out.
All I can do is sigh, "god" .. I don't know what to do with myself. I smoked and am now contemplating the beer in my fridge. It's a 22 oz, so lots of calories...probably not worth it, considering I don't even like beer, but a little buzz may do me some good. I have a headache from my screaming and tears once I clicked end on my cell. He does not and will not ever know the extent of my pain right now.
I was crying for myself, it's like I am dead. Walking zombie. No shadow, no smile.
Think thin, you guys. Sometimes it's all you have left. Might as well look good. Might as be pleasing to other's eyes, then they might give ya some polite chitchat while staring at your rack, but hey, any attention is good right?
I feel sick. I have been having reallyy strange stomach pains. I am already thinking the worst. Sorry this is all so depressing. I guess it's just me.