well hello

well hello

Friday, January 22, 2010

Oh World, do you deny me?

Oh you guys.

Ever feel such inner turmoil with no way to express it? Ever feel like your soul is trying to leap out of your body? Ever feel like jumping out your window, or pouring boiling water on your hands, or slicing a thick line across your stomach? I do. Right now. I. am. so. frustrated.

My student loan stuff is apparently ALL FUCKED UP. School starts monday. What the fuck. I am screwed. Today is my last day off, I work all weekend then start school, and I have already been crying, hitting the wall, swearing at God and whoever can hear, wasting my precious phone minutes ON HOLD. UGH!!!!!
Today was supposed to be a good day!!!!!
I was going to get a haircut, and chill/clean.

Now I am stressing hardcore. Pacing around. Tearing at my hair. Lookin' blotchy-faced and miserable.


Alright. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It will be okay.
How can I even convince myself? I know deep down that I just want to say FUCK IT!
I HATE college. I LOATHE this country's education system. I hate schoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschool.

Too bad hating school won't make it go away.

I need a change of focus. I will smoke and get back to you.


A long time ago I was different. I cared. I wanted to do well. I wanted a better life.
Something clicked, or changed. I have become bitter and feel entitled and when bad things happen I freak out (usually). That is not even my biggest problem. I don't know what is. It could be this whole food thing. It's really getting to me. My parents are starting to notice. I went home for the day yesterday and our conversation centered around food a majority of the time. My hate for preservatives and my dad talking about grass-fed vs. grain-fed cows. He hates that I don't eat meat and chooses to bring it up every time he sees me. Like if I reach for something that obviously is meat-free, he'll be like "oh don't eat that, there's hamburger in that". I used to be like, "ew!" but now I just roll my eyes and either ignore him (which is hard) or say "no, there's not. (do I look like an idiot to you?)".

My mood has shifted entirely. I am denying myself food. Ha.
Yesterday's calorie intake was great: 740. Yeah!

So around one this morning I had some food...a (100 cal) veggie burger w/ mustard and spinach {no bun}, 2 rice cakes w/ some natural pb (only one ingredient: peanuts) and a 1/2 teaspoon of grape jelly, a 50 cal fiber one yogurt, mandarin oranges, and this walnut/almond nut mix.
So that was technically "last night" right? But OH WELL. I counted it all and so far TODAY I've had 634 calories.
I have been up four hours now.
 Time to get moving.
  No food.
    I just had some tea.
     Before I go get my haircut I'll have a little orange juice.

I'll stay under 900 today. Watch me.

think thin.
<3 Sar

and no, I'm not okay. but I am going to make the best of this day.


Stick Thin said...

:( I hope the hair cut helps make you feel a little better. I know that I stopped caring when i started smoking too much, or using other drugs. I feel so much better once i finally got away from it.

i finally got to move on with my life

sa.girl said...

been reading your blog, i'm new to this. but i think we have a lot in common.. looking forward to keeping this going!

i need someones support who understands this battle..

think thin.