I read back several entries just now; I have been dealing with this T. bs for a few weeks. I have to ask myself why.
When did it change for me?
Instead of him being this awesome guy I was spending time with, I suddenly craved possession. I desired to call him my own, I didn't want anyone to leap in and take him, I basically wanted to control him. This is a huge problem. I can't do that. It ruined everything.
It is late and he is officially giving me the silent treatment. I texted him asking to stop by after work. Got no response. Then another cutesy-like please T.? (I call him T. sometimes, instead of his full name). Nothing. Then I called. No answer. Then I text him again (this is over a time period of 1 1/2 hours) saying like so no then? you won't talk to me or see me? NO RESPONSE, STILL. I call again and he hit ignore. It went to voicemail quick. I texted him again, saying what the hell say something. Silence.
Maybe I sound like a stalker to you. But we are at a breaking point, we both know this, hell you guys all know this. I wanted to get together. I specifically said on the phone friday when I told him about Tom that if he wanted to stop talking he should just tell me, rather than ignore me. Because it is truly infuriating to me, like give me two fucking seconds of your time and tell me we're done talking/ you don't wish to see me anymore.
He just texted me, that asshole, and this is what it says:
"hey sarah sorry my phone was on silent from being at work."
I refuse to reply. ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's been 3 hours, I am pretty sure he would check his phone after work. His phone is usually attached to his hand.
I just turned my phone off.
I exceeded my calorie amount yesterday :(
I can't believe how obsessively I am recording my food intake. I used to do it on scraps of paper, or in a notebook. But it is truly fun to enter it into this digital application on my i-pod. Technology these days blows my mind. It is just helpful! I can see it so cleanly and with a chart, it just stimulates my brain, I suppose.
Well I have smoked myself into an oblivion. I am going to watch a movie, possibly. I don't know, I am glad he said something back but seriously, wtf, I don't believe him. I am losing interest by the second. I am going to ignore him and let him ignore me and maybe one day I'll get my panties & book back, or maybe I won't. After all, I did kiss his friend, I wouldn't blame him for burning that shit. But ya know what, it's not like we had sex. Kissing is sort of innocent. Ugh. If the situation were reversed I would be stunned/pissed.
I am getting to be over it all. I don't have time for a bf anyways. I have to concentrate on school this semester otherwise I am getting KICKED OUT. It sucks, but it was nice while it lasted. Really nice. For the most part he is a great guy. But he has some serious faults that are devasting to me, like his mommy dependence, and his chain smoking and coughing, and his indecisiveness, and his ex-gf's who write on his facebook wall everyday, and his immaturity.
So maybe this is good.
I am better as a loner, maybe.
I can't convince you or myself.
This blog will get back to a pro-ana focus, I promise. I just have to vent, I have no one to talk to, honestly no one. No friends. Only people. Those girls I was going to meet in the city for new years? Both pissed I didn't go. S. called me flaky and said I "always do this". They don't know what is going on in my life. The life of an eating disordered person. It really does take over, doesn't it. I have looked back upon old diaries I've kept over the years, I called myself fat in high school. 6 years ago. I had a nice body! It kills me that I have been hurting/hating myself for so long. Even in middle school, I was focused on trying to look good and thin. Nobody was fat and if there were one or two they had a social stigma, I'm sorry but that's the way my small town school was. And I too. I don't like looking at obese people. They piss me off for some reason. I guess because they just don't give a fuck and eat 3000+ calories per day. Because you know I am totally jealous of them. I love food. I hate eating. But I like different tastes and textures and I promise that if I didn't worry about my figure I would live off cookies, egg & cheese bagels, pizza, candy, etc. And get fat.
But, ha, I could never do that. I have a feeling this is a lifelong battle.
If you are hungry, take a nap. Or go to bed. Or do the dishes. Or clean the bathroom sink, which will compel you to do the toilet & tub, which could lead to a cleaning spree, taking up hours & burning calories.
Plan ahead and buy groceries to last a few days. Healthy stuff only, maybe a small sugar-free treat to satisfy.
When you wake up feeling thin, take a quick pic with your camera phone. Like what you see? Look at it all day, you will make better eating choices or just hold off altogether (preferred).
Drink plain water to flush out your systems. It really smooths them, allowing them to work perfectly, resulting in a leaner you, due to good digestive health.
Ok, good night. Thanks for reading. Your comments mean the world to me. Reading the ones from earlier honestly turned my mood around, uplifted it even.