well hello

well hello

Friday, January 8, 2010

Today, the Eighth.

No comments, no phone calls, no friends, no lover: the definition of my hated life.

The pain, it coils like a snake in me, suffocating my bones & blood. It squeezes my heart and forces acid up my esophagus. It is killing me, one molecule at a time.

I stayed up until 6 in the morning. I rearranged my furniture; I vacuumed; I sang; I gazed at my reflection, horrified, in the full-length mirror. I am a sad fat fuck.
I have gained for sure. That is what eating with abandon will do to me. I won't share the disgusting details, just know that I have been bingin' like I've been breathin'...24/7.

Sigh. At least I am hungry now. There is no way in hell that I will eat anything more today. It is 7 pm. I am going to Toms at 9. We will be drinking. Drinking on this empty stomach is a good idea, I will get drunker off less...therefore less calories ingested.

I hate what I look like right now. Here is me: tall (5'8). wavy brown hair with side bangs. Pale. Not skinny. More like slightly curvy. Thin eye brows. Staring, faraway eyes.
Well, enough of that anyways, don't wanna give myself away.

I just need some style.

I just need some grace.


Talked to T. on the phone for the first time in quite awhile. It was emotional. He was harsh. He hacked away at me with a chainsaw with his words. He basically despises my personality. He hated on my lack of self-esteem. He mentioned an incident from months ago, where I asked him if he liked a female friend (who has a bf)..and he told me no. & we got over it...or so I thought!! He is clearly the type who holds onto anything and everything for ammunition in a fight.

I don't even know what to say about it. Just that I am stressed and feeling slightly beat up and one-hundred percent rejected.
Why oh why.

Why did I kiss Tom? Why didn't I push him back? I could have just pushed him back and said "no, I'm seeing T." and that would have been that. We could have continued with our night. T. and I could still be talking. Or would we be? We were bickering a lot in the past weeks and he brought that up too. I don't know where we'd be. But I have to freakin' understand that

The past is passed. I can't change it. I can't go back.

Back to my question, why did I kiss Tom? Was I feeling him? Was I thinkin' about his lips, and what it would be like to kiss them? Doubt it. I think I was just drunk. But wait, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I need a reason.
I can't find one. I can't admit to myself what my subconscious is keeping back. It's impossible. I need to reach in, dig around, pick & choose. I need to clear my mind & stop smoking so much.

It's time to get ready, I suppose. I am (admittedly) nervous. I want to be upfront with him. We are just friends. So why does it feel like it's going to be hard??? I am so confused!!!!
Do I like him? No. It's way too early to tell....right?!? I just liked T. I still like T. But T. doesn't like me. So my efforts to get him to like me back are futile. It's USELESS. I don't know what to do anymore! I can't just live free and be me. I am always trying to change.

Breathe. In. Out.

I swear I am going to have a heart attack one of these days. I get so tense & my heart starts beating like boxer & I just want to cry out or scream but there is this feeling lodged in my throat & it won't budge!

Enough about me. How are you?

Did you know that having sex twice a week adds 5 years to your life?

Just throwing it out there.

Think thin. Be You. xo


MyNameIsMellon said...

Your love life seems to be in chaos, which may be the reason why your eating is out of whack. I think once you clear up one, you'll be able to better deal with the other. Good luck, love <3

Blue Butterfly said...

I wish I could offer some helpful advice, but a lot of times I don't even know why I do the things I do. Maybe you kissed Tom because you wanted to kiss T. but can't? Just guessing...

I hope you feel better soon. Take care! *hugs*